What top performers do:
1. Get barely enough information.
2. Don't overthink it.
3. Act rapidly.
When you're learning how to communicate with confidence, it's crucial to take action quickly. The great thing about people skills is that you get plenty of chances to practice.
Let's talk about a time where I wasn't a top performer...
Ever notice how life seems effortless for people who have a little extra confidence?
So what's the deal? Are these people mutants who have these unattainable traits that you can't have?
Whether you’re leading a meeting, pitching a new client, or starting conversations at happy hour, confident communication is one of the most important skills you can have.
Each of the following three skill is powerful but I recommend stacking all three skills for maximum impact.
1. Eliminate Qualifying Words
Confident communication killers
You're in a meeting, your boss asks you a straightforward question about next steps on a project.
"Well, I just think that we maybe should consider...”
You trail off.
Somewhere I am softly weeping while lighting a candle in memory of your fallen confidence and credibility.
Did you water down your message until it's unrecognizable?
(This is a "hidden truth" that almost NO ONE acknowledges, but everyone feels.)
When we use timid language we get timid results...the ripple effects are wide-ranging:
In the short term, we may not persuade people at the meeting, but spread out over 20-30 years, it can have a gigantic impact on our life's trajectory.
So what can we do to fix it? I want you to repeat after me:
“It is okay to present myself confidently.”
Step one: admitting to yourself that it's OKAY to test a new approach.
Step two: addition by subtraction. In most cases, you'll delete confidence undercutting words from your vocabulary.
This is simple, but not easy.
At first, you'll use the same timid words, only this time, you'll notice them.
Over time, you'll be able to use alternatives or (in most cases) stop using those qualifying words altogether.
Use this action step to help:
Over the last few months I’ve received dozens of emails from people who are struggling with how to have better group conversations.
This guide will help you when it comes to:
Tell me if these ring true for you:
“I just feel like I’ll be bothering them if I walk up and start talking…”
“What if they all know each other?!”
“I don’t want to have to be LOUD and interrupt people! it’s just not who I am...”
That’s why I created this guide for you, to help you smoothly join a group so that you can…
...meaningfully contribute to group conversations at work without feeling awkward and self conscious.
...Easily make new friends and contacts at a conference.
...feel comfortable and enjoy group conversations at a party.
And on a deeper level:
...have options of who you surround yourself with. Which as it turns out, has a huge influence on success
...feel like you are the kind of person who can thrive in social situations (which will make it more likely that you will thrive even more in group conversations, creating a virtuous cycle)
In this guide you’ll find some of the best strategies for joining and contributing in group conversations.
To create this guide, I pulled from my experience having 90,000 conversations over 11 years...but I knew that wouldn’t be enough.
I also did a LOT of research into what works and what doesn’t.
You don’t have to look in 100 different places and piece together quality, actionable information.
It’s all right here for you.
Let’s swan-dive in…
Have you ever been at a conference, a cookout, or a networking event and you felt that twinge that says "You should talk to that person".
At this point, like a split in the road we have two choices:
A. Check your instagram for the 231st time today.
B. Start that conversation.
When we meet new people, we get to expand our circle of people. This could lead to a business partnership, a new best friend, or a new client. But you'll never know unless you open your mouth.
There’s a phrase my mentor likes to say:
“90% of the work is done before you enter the room.”
It’s easier to start a conversation after you’ve had a successful conversation.
But how do you start those conversations?
Enter Conversational Muscle Memory.
Conversational Muscle Memory is built on the idea that when you start small, low-stakes conversations throughout your day, it's easier to start more conversations because you’ve built momentum.
Once you’ve built that momentum, it’ll be easier to start a conversation with that one person you really want to talk to at happy hour.
I explain more in this video:
On this episode of BMC Radio, the podcast where I help you supercharge your charisma and people skills I have my friend Paul Sanders (@PaulSandersSCP) from Get The Friends You Want.
Paul Sanders is a friendship & social skills coach, and author of the "Get The Friends You Want" book. He helps people overcome social hesitation, master conversation and social skills, make friends and build a social circle.
In an age where human connection seems to be tipping more screen than face, I think honing your friendship skills is only getting more important, especially if you're working remote, or starting a business and don't have the traditional 9-5 office culture to fall back on.
In this conversation, we talk about how to build a friendship circle, how to easily connect and build rapport with many different types of people, books on social dynamics, and much more.
Free gift for BMC listeners:
7 Most Common Mistakes Peoples People Make When They Try To Improve Their Social Life (And How To Avoid Them)
On this episode of Become More Compelling Radio, I'd like to introduce you to my friend Rob Riker (@robertgriker) from The Social Winner.
Over the last few months, I've seen a lot of questions about making friends...
This podcast will answer all these questions and more. If you've ever wanted a solid strategy around making new friends and connections, this podcast episode is for you. After listening, you'll be able to make new friends on command.
Rob has been featured in Business Insider, Lifehack, The Friend Formula, and Tiny Buddha.
I like Rob's insights on friendship and creating a fulfilling, lasting social circle:
Free gift for BMC readers:
19:56 - How to bridge the gap between acquaintances and meeting up a second time
26:15 - The crucial time to swap contact info
34:29 - Should you initiate plans with friends or wait for them to initiate plans?
On this episode of Become More Compelling Radio, I'd like to introduce you to my friend Kyle Ingham (@DistilledMan), founder of The Distilled Man.
Kyle is awesome, he has the poise and style Don Draper and the wit and charm of Ryan Reynolds. (A winning combo for sure.)
In this wide ranging conversation we tackle how to make great first impressions, how to be likable, how to build rapport, negative self talk, giving effective feedback at work, cocktails, and much more.
Kyle has been featured in the San Francisco Examiner, Forbes, The Good Men Project, among others.
Free Resource For BMC Listeners:
Kyle has an excellent free resource for BMC Radio listeners:
The 48 Hour Gentleman: Your One Weekend Plan For More Confidence, Poise, and Manly Know-How.
This excellent guide covers how to cook a steak, get a shirt tailored, male a Manhattan, and much more.
(Or maybe just by consistently pushing past your comfort zone.)
This episode is geared towards the fellas. (Although I believe there are valuable insights for everyone) Dave has spent the last decade improving himself in the areas of people skills, fitness, and style.
He's gone from shy and reserved to authentically confident and now he helps men in their 20s and 30s do the same.
Dave is the Amazon #1 best-selling author of Ready to Roar: How Shy, Quiet, Self-Doubting Guys Become Strong, Charming, Self-Confident Men and the founder of IrreverentGent.com, a blog dedicated to helping guys build confidence.
His work has been featured in The Good Men Project, Well Built Style and Active Man magazine, among others.
Last night I was sitting on my couch watching Bob Ross on Youtube...like you do, and I stumbled across this video by Bob Ross' son Steve.
In this video, Ross gets super pumped about painting some mountains, and he messes up. (Side note: The mountains are still more beautiful that any mountains I've seen in real life.)
Dan has been featured on INC, Business Insider, The Huffington Post, Lifehacker, Introvert Spring, and many others.
In this conversation, we discuss how to become better at small talk than 99% of people. I love Dan's advice because it's so easy to implement.
If you've ever fiddled with your phone instead of striking up a conversation with someone you've wanted to meet, this podcast is for you.
In this episode you'll learn:
You'll definitely want to grab Dan's free three video mini course on small talk (Including strategies on reducing nervousness) here.
It's basically a tactical guide to thrive at your next dinner party, conference, or networking event.
Also, she has a free gift for Become More Compelling readers. BOOM.
I remember after reading Neil Strauss’s famous book, The Game, I was fascinated by this idea of ‘approach anxiety’.
It’s typically what a lot of men feel as they are about to approach women -- a tightness in their chest, sweating, and of course, the prominent fear of being rejected.
But what I realized is that ‘approach anxiety’ is not limited to just men. Women feel it, too! And even I experience it myself--and this is what I help people with for a living. When I’m at an event and see a stranger I want to start talking to, my heart starts beating faster, I become self-conscious, and I start to think: “What am I going to SAY?”
This happens every time I've ever hung out with him.
You probably have people like Josh in your life.
Perhaps, as you watch them work a room, you ask yourself: "How the f*ck do they do that?"
The answer might surprise you. (Hint: they weren't born with it.)
I'll help you supercharge your people skills so that you can have a more fulfilling career,
business & social life.
Over the last 15 years, I’ve learned... (Read More)
• 5 Ways a Communication Coach Can Help You Become a Better Communicator
• The Ultimate Guide To Joining & Enjoying Group Conversations
• How to Never Run Out of Things to Say