Confident Communication: 3 Skills That Will Supercharge Your Message Next Time You Speak Up

Ever notice how life seems effortless for people who have a little extra confidence?  
  

• When they're in meetings, more often than not people go for their ideas.
• When they go to a conference, they're usually seen having a great time with a group of new friends.
• When they pitch a new client, you can almost see the client's mouthwatering.

So what's the deal? Are these people mutants who have these unattainable traits that you can't have?

HELL NO!

Whether you’re leading a meeting, pitching a new client, or starting conversations at happy hour, confident communication is one of the most important skills you can have.

Each of the following three skill is powerful but I recommend stacking all three skills for maximum impact.

1. Eliminate Qualifying Words
Confident communication killers

You're in a meeting, your boss asks you a straightforward question about next steps on a project.

"Well, I just think that we maybe should consider...”

You trail off. 

Somewhere I am softly weeping while lighting a candle in memory of your fallen confidence and credibility.

• "Just"
• "Kinda"
• "I think"
• "Maybe"
• “Does that make sense?”

How many times have you left a conversation feeling like you cut yourself off at the knees, and didn't say what needed to be said?

Did you water down your message until it's unrecognizable?

(This is a "hidden truth" that almost NO ONE acknowledges, but everyone feels.)

When we use timid language we get timid results...the ripple effects are wide-ranging:
​

• We don’t win people over. 
• We don’t inspire confidence in others. 
• People don’t look to us as leaders. 

In the short term, we may not persuade people at the meeting, but spread out over 20-30 years, it can have a gigantic impact on our life's trajectory.

So what can we do to fix it? I want you to repeat after me:

“It is okay to present myself confidently.”

Step one: admitting to yourself that it's OKAY to test a new approach.

Step two: addition by subtraction. In most cases, you'll delete confidence undercutting words from your vocabulary.

This is simple, but not easy. 

At first, you'll use the same timid words, only this time, you'll notice them.

Over time, you'll be able to use alternatives or (in most cases) stop using those qualifying words altogether.

Use this action step to help:

Action step:
Take 5 minutes and write down as many qualifying words and phrases as you can on one side of the paper. 

Here's a partial list: Like, I mean, Sorta, Does that make sense?, I guess, Kinda, Maybe.

On the other side, write down words that you might be able to use as replacements. 
(Note: Some phrases won't have a good counterpart. Those are the ones that you'll need to remove. For those, write "Delete"

2. Confident Non-Verbals
What you don't say says a lot.

The reality is, you can use zero qualifying words, but if you're non-verbals scream "I AM AS VULNERABLE AS A PEACH!" your words won't mean much.

Humans are funny, we're always searching for inconsistencies. If we find them, it's over.

• "The Pilot sounded confident, but his hands were shaking..."
• "The presentation was great, but he didn't look like he believed in his own product..."
• "She said she was listening, but she kept looking over my shoulder..."

These little inconsistencies can snowball fast. 

The Importance of confidence in communication:

When our non-verbals align with our confident words, our message is 2x more potent. 

Not only will others see you as more confident, but you'll also FEEL more confident internally. 

When we fell confident on the inside, it's easier to be confident on the outside. This is a virtuous cycle.

Some common timid non-verbals that I see with my private coaching clients. 

Taking up as little space as possible. It's okay to take up a reasonable amount of space. (Don't drape yourself over 4 chairs at dinner, no one like that.) But you can widen your shoulders and arms a bit and no one is going to care.

-Fidgeting. If you must fidget, wiggle your toes. It'll make you more present according to Olivia Fox Cabane.

Low eye-contact. Ah, eye contact. "How much is too much?! I don't want to look like a psycho!" Ease up there, Patrick Bateman, the vast majority of people don't make as much eye contact as they should. 

My rule of thumb: Look them in the eye, typically after a couple of seconds they'll look away. After that, I'll look away until I notice them looking back to me. Rinse and repeat.

Also, if you have the dreaded "Resting Bitch Face" aka the "Urban Scowl" you'll want to fix that ASAP:

Action step:
Next time you're in a social situation, take up a little more space than you usually do. 

Don't cross your arms. Drape one arm across the chair next to you. 

For eye contact, test making and holding eye contact until the other person looks away, then break eye contact yourself (until they look back at you). Rinse and repeat.

3. Confident Presentation
Package your message for maximum impact.

Okay, so you've got great non-verbals, you're not using qualifying words...that's it, right?

NO!

You can have a great message, but if you don't know how to package it up in a way that's easy for your audience to digest, then your message is DOA.

When you think about Steve Jobs, you might picture him on a stage with an iPhone in his hand, owning the room.

Do you think his keynotes were 100% off the cuff?

Probably not.

When Chris Rock is playing Madison Square Garden, he KNOWS his jokes are going to land.

 Rock can see the future because he's painstakingly pieced together his act over 18 previous shows, cutting the parts that didn't work.

Now, most people reading this probably aren't walking on stage at Madison Square Garden, but what can we learn from Chris Rock?

Everyone can have at least one tested soundbite: An answer to: "What you do for work?"

Let's break it down.

The what you do for work sound bite.

It's a pretty standard question..."What do you do for work?"

Average person: "I'm a project manager for Acme widgets"

You: "You know those widgets you use every day?" I'm the person who keeps all those widgets moving"

A simple framework for explaining what you do?

"I help X do Y so that Z."

Here's an example:

Job: Actuary. (Someone who interprets statistics to determine probabilities of accidents and other bad things.)

"I use statistics to help companies see the future. I'm basically Nostradamus with a laptop."

---

For more on crafting a great introduction, skip to the 10:00 mark in this podcast episode with charisma expert Felicia Spahr:

---

Notice how I left out the actual job description?

99% of job titles tell you nothing about what that person actually does.

Have a plan.

When we speak without a plan, it's EASY to ramble.  
  
The more we ramble, the less will to live our audience has.

Even a few extra sentences can clog our audience's ability to process what we're saying.

Not ideal.

If our goal is to inspire confidence in our audience by being confident in our delivery, it's best to speak in soundbites in certain situations:

• Job interviews, where rambling can lose you the job.
• Sales pitches, where rambling can turn a yes into a no.
• Media interviews, where rambling can give away information that can hurt the company.
• Leading presentations,  where rambling can cause people to gouge their eyes out with any sharp object within reach.
• Podcasts, where rambling can lead to a crappy interview that causes the listener to mentally check-out.

You may not be a regular on CNBC, but it's worth noting the framework of  effective communication.

For help on this topic, I ask my friend Nicole Schwegman, a Public Affairs Officer for the United States Navy.

Nicole recommends the following framework:

• Fact: What is the fact that you're trying to convey? Why are you there to talk?
• Bridge: The transition to the "real message"
• Message: The key message that you want to communicate.

Let's look at the FBM framework in action:

• Fact: “My wife and I are watching the Haunting of Hill House on Netflix right now.”
• Bridge: “It’s so scary that...”
• Message: “I’m terrified to walk through the dark house after the show is over to check the lock on the front door!”

Simple. Neat. Effective.

"Bu..but Jeff, does this mean I have to talk in soundbites for the rest of my life?!" 

Of course not!

It's a tool in your tool belt.

Up your energy!

I tell many of my clients to up their energy level when they speak.

Most of us walk around at a 3/10 energy level.

When we want to dial up that energy level to an 8/10, it can feel unnatural and fake.

My take?

Don't sweat it. Commit to it.

Here are some quick ways to dial up your energy. I do these before Skype calls, videos, and podcasts:

1. Play upbeat music. (Jay-Z is my go-to)
2. Sing the lyrics at a higher than normal volume.
3. Do 10 push-ups.
4. Do several small jumps in place.

It may look crazy from the outside, (my neighbors whisper about me as they walk their dogs) but it gets me out of my head, into my body and ready to perform.

If you know what you'll be talking about beforehand (a job interview, for example) here's a useful way to help you "dial in" to 8/10 energy from Jessica Eturralde, founder of Personality.media:

1. Read or recite your talking points using zero energy.
2. Read or recite your talking points with 1000% over the top energy like an infomercial host.
3. When the time comes to present your talking points live, aim for somewhere in the middle.

According to Jessica, "Often people think they're "over the top" when they're really not. Doing this [exercise] helps them to gauge where "over the top" is and find their sweet spot."

Action step:
1. Craft your soundbite to answer the "What do you do for work?" question. ("I help x do y so that z."
2. Record yourself using your phone. Practice delivering this statement using Jessica's method of 0%, then 1,000%, then normal energy levels.

​Confident communication skills are just that--skills.

When you do a small amount of prep work, you can appear more confident and polished than 90% of people.

Action Steps Recap:

Here's a recap of the action steps you need to take:  

Qualifying words action step: Take 5 minutes and write down as many qualifying words and phrases as you can on one side of the paper.

On the other side, write down words that you might be able to use as replacements. 

(Note: Some phrases won't have a good counterpart. Those are the ones that you'll need to remove. For those, write "Delete"

Confident nonverbals action step: Next time you're in a social situation, take up a little more space than you usually do. 

Drape your arm across the chair next to you. Don't cross your arms.

For eye contact, test making and holding eye contact until the other person looks away, then break eye contact yourself (until they look back at you). Rinse and repeat.

Soundbite action step:

1. Craft your soundbite to answer the "What do you do for work?" question. ("I help x do y so that z."
2. Record yourself using your phone. Practice delivering this statement using Jessica's method of 0%, then 1,000%, then normal energy levels.