People Skills

What are people skills, and why do they matter?

People skills are the habits, behaviors, and mindsets that help you feel calm and capable around others.

That could mean starting a conversation without getting stuck in your head. It could mean knowing how to keep that conversation going without scrambling for what to say next. It could mean walking away from a social interaction without mentally replaying it all night.

These skills matter because everything meaningful in life involves other people. Promotions, friendships, relationships, new opportunities. The better you are at connecting with people, the more opportunities you’ll have. The more opportunities you have, the better life you’ll have.

You don’t need to be loud. You don’t need to be the most charismatic person in the room. You need a repeatable process and consistency.

People skills aren’t something you’re born with or without. They’re skills. And they can be learned.

What are the biggest mistakes people make when trying to improve their people skills?

They chase confidence before building competence.

Most people want to feel good before they take action. But confidence doesn’t show up out of nowhere. It’s earned by doing. When you prove to yourself that you can handle something, that’s when you start to feel different.

Another mistake is thinking they need to change everything overnight. So they memorize a few lines, try to be extra outgoing once, and expect a full transformation. Then they get discouraged when it doesn’t stick. But people skills don’t work that way. You get better by showing up consistently. Tiny reps. Daily effort. That’s what makes it feel automatic later.

A lot of people get stuck because they focus on outcomes. “Did that person like me?” “Did I say the right thing?” That kind of thinking turns everything into a test. Even when something goes mostly well, they call it a failure because one part felt awkward.

They also overthink. Instead of focusing on the people around them, they’re locked in their own heads. Rehearsing lines. Second-guessing every move. That kind of internal focus makes everything harder. The more you focus on yourself, the less you’re able to connect.

And they treat awkward moments like red flags. They’re not. Awkwardness doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It means you’re learning. Everyone has awkward moments. They only become a problem when they convince you to stop.

If you’re taking action, you’re on the right path. Even if it’s messy. Even if it feels hard. Keep going. The more reps you get, the easier it becomes.

What’s your personal philosophy when it comes to learning people skills?

People skills are learned. They’re built through practice. No one’s born knowing how to navigate a group conversation or start a chat with a stranger.

Confidence doesn’t lead the way. Competence does. When you take consistent action, your brain starts collecting evidence. It learns, “I can handle this.” That’s how confidence is built. Through proof.

Reps matter. The more social reps you get, the more predictable things become. The more predictable things feel, the easier they feel.

You don’t need to be fearless. You need to act even when it feels uncomfortable. That’s what moves the needle.

You also don’t need to be the most interesting person in the room. You need to be interested. People open up when they feel seen.

Overthinking keeps people stuck. The more energy you spend worrying about how you're coming across, the harder it is to actually connect. The more energy you spend on the people around you, the easier conversations become.

Awkward moments don’t mean anything’s wrong. They’re part of the process. Every confident person has them. They’re normal.

The real key is consistent effort over time. You keep taking action. You keep stacking proof. Eventually, things start to feel natural. Not because you forced it, but because you earned it.

What are a few small, daily habits that actually help someone build better people skills?

Start one tiny conversation each day. Just one.

That could mean chatting with the barista. It could mean making a comment to the person next to you in line. It could mean asking your coworker how their day is going. It doesn’t need to be clever or memorable. The goal is to make connecting feel normal.

Next, reward the effort. Not the result.

Said hi to someone? That counts.Asked one follow-up question? That counts too.

You’re training yourself to value the action. The more you focus on effort, the more wins you’ll see.

Here’s another habit: move your attention outward. Each day, pick one moment to notice what’s happening around you.

Ask yourself:

• What’s the energy in the room like?
• What is this person really saying?
• What’s their face and voice telling me that their words might not?

This takes the spotlight off you. It also makes conversations easier because you’re not stuck in your head the whole time.

If you want a bonus habit, try writing down one interaction each day.

What went well?

What felt off?

What would you try next time?

This kind of reflection adds up fast.

None of these take much time. But they stack. And over time, they’ll do more for your confidence than any script or one-liner ever could.

Book recommendations for learning people skills

Here are four books I recommend often. Each one brings something useful to the table:

1. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale CarnegieIt’s been around forever because the ideas still work. If you want to get better at making people feel seen and understood, start here.

2. Never Split the Difference by Chris VossA former FBI negotiator shows you how to stay calm under pressure and guide conversations without being pushy. Great if you want to feel more confident in high-stakes moments.

3. The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox CabaneCharisma isn’t magic. It’s a mix of presence, warmth, and power—and this book breaks it down in a way you can actually use.

4. The Like Switch by Jack SchaferWritten by a former FBI agent, this one focuses on how to create trust quickly. If you’ve ever wanted to understand the signals people send (and how to send better ones yourself), this is worth reading.

5. Meaningful Small Talk by Dan Chang

Small talk doesn't have to feel pointless or painful. Dan breaks it down into clear, simple techniques that actually work--even if you're shy or introverted. You'll learn how to go from quick chit-chat to real connection, without forcing it. Dan was also a guest on the BMC podcast, and he's the real deal.