It’s a situation that many of us have found ourselves in.
You just got some earth-shattering news: maybe a big deal went through at work, or you got into a heated argument with a friend. And you just need some good old fashioned empathetic listening for a minute. So you go to a friend and vent over a cup of coffee. But your friend isn’t really hearing you. They’re giving unwanted advice, talking about their issues, and just…not listening! It’s frustrating! You might feel angry, or shut down. How did we get here? What’s the difference between listening and really hearing someone? That secret ingredient is empathy. And today, we’re going to make sure you don’t accidentally fall into that “not hearing” trap!
In this article, you’ll learn:
What is Empathetic Listening?
No tricks here!
Empathetic listening is when you listen to another person with the aim to relate to them emotionally. Benefits of empathetic listening include heightened relationships with others, more professional success, and better active listening skills. The best part? Developing our empathetic listening skills shows our loved ones that we care. Empathetic Listening Examples:
With the skills in this article, you’ll be channeling all the patient and gentle people you’ve ever met, and in turn, strengthening your relationships with others! With the definition out of the way, let dive into those tasty, tasty tips… 1. Throw your freaking phone in a lake!
I’m kidding…
Mostly. Really, you should just try to limit all distractions. Have you ever been halfway through explaining something to someone only to notice that they tuned you out ten seconds ago as they checked a notification? And we’re all just as guilty of it, too! So how can we make sure that we’re present when someone needs a listening ear? Action step: Limit distractions!
2. Your Only Outcome: Making The Other Person Feel Heard
Empathetic conversations can be really stressful for us when we’re focused on achieving a particular goal.
For example, maybe you want to make a friend who’s been really down feel better. If by the end of the conversation you don’t notice that your friend feels dramatically better… Did that make the conversation a failure? Of course not! Sometimes we can get too wrapped up in an outcome we’re hoping for out of a conversation. This is called “outcome dependence,” and can mentally trap you by keeping you focused on “not messing up.” And this just pulls you further away from your original goal… Making your conversational partner feel heard. If your focus is to listen with the goal of understanding, and ideally leave the person you’re talking to with the feeling that they’ve been really listened to, then that’s the only outcome you need to keep in mind. Action step: Are you holding on to these outcomes? Let go of them!
3. Use the 90/10 Listening Rule
It sounds obvious: good listeners listen more than they talk.
But sometimes this can be hard in practice, sometimes! It’s easy to want to tell a story that’s similar, or recount a relevant anecdote. Often we mean well by this: relating helps us feel better, right? Sure! But relating isn’t the point of empathetic listening. As empathetic listeners, we want to validate what the speaker is saying and feeling. This helps the speaker feel better, and helps us better understand what they’re saying! The 90/10 rule keeps the focus on the speaker. When the speaker has 90% of the time to speak, their story becomes the center focus. Your 10% brings out the speaker’s story and comfort! So what should we say during our 10% of the conversation? Action step: Practice using these validating statements!
Do You Know Your Communication Style?
Take my quiz and Get a custom report complete with specific tips based on your unique results. 4. Encourage Elaboration
Chris Voss, a former top FBI hostage negotiator, wrote an excellent book called Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It.
And he suggests that listeners gently encourage elaboration from speakers. What does he mean? Sometimes people speak at a very high level about something when they’re still trying to figure it out, or when they’ve been really involved in it for a while. I always think about Doc Brown from Back to the Future jumping for joy screaming “eighty-eight miles per hour!!” while Marty stares, confused, at the twin trails of fire. What the heck does he mean, eighty-eight?
And that’s where we ask for elaboration.
When we ask for elaboration, we both encourage someone to share more about their situation and we signal to that person that we need a little more context. Our partner brings us further into their situation, and we gain a little more understanding. Win/win! Action step: Use the following questions to encourage elaboration.
5. Use Dig Questions to Uncover More
Journalists on TV know just the hard-hitting questions to cut to the core of an issue. They’re willing to ruffle feathers and be incisive when they’re digging for information.
Well, during empathetic listening, we don’t take quite that rough an approach– but we do ask questions to learn more! Dig questions invite the speaker to share more of their story, and to get deeper into particular pieces. Therapists and interviewers often use dig questions to better understand their subject and to create a deeper rapport. These questions are powerful! Be careful of sprinkling too many questions into conversation, especially one after the other. Unlike interviewers, you aren’t interrogating your conversation partner. These questions are to help you empathize better! So use these questions to invite the speaker to share more. You might be surprised by what you learn! Action step: Try these dig questions to push conversation deeper!
6. Go for “That’s right!” When Paraphrasing
When you’re using the 90/10 rule from earlier in this post, it’s important to summarize what you hear the other person saying.
And when we summarize, we want to try to get the other person to say some version of “that’s right” This is another tip from Voss’ Never Split the Difference, and is one of Voss’s most powerful. He describes “that’s right” as his negotiating magic phrase. When you empathetically summarize their viewpoint, you should hear “That’s right”. That’s how you know that you two are on the same page. If you hear the phrase “You’re right”, then you may have subtly veered into advice-giving mode. Think about the difference between “That’s right” and “You’re right”:
For example, if you say “It sounds like the way your promotion was denied really wasn’t fair.” “That’s right!” gives the speaker the sense that you agree that there was an injustice done. Action step: Go for “That’s right!” in place of “You’re right!” while empathetic listening. 7. Breathe Through The Silence
So, jazz music.
(Yes, this is the part of the blog post where we talk about jazz music.) In jazz, the notes are only half of the music. The other half is the rests, or the pauses and silences in between the notes. And here’s the connection: conversations are like jazz. The silences and rests are important parts of the conversational music! Silence is crucial for people to gather and share their thoughts. During empathetic listening, this is all the more important because sometimes the topic of conversation can be emotionally charged! So resist the temptation to fill the silence. Breathe deeply and count to three when you feel that pull to fill the silence. Let that same pull invite your partner to talk a little more! Action step: Pause and count to three silently before replying (especially if the speaker sounds like they’re done). 8. Don’t Jump In And Give Advice!
Some people (including cough…some of the folks at BMC) used to be perpetual advice-givers. You’ve got a problem? You’ll get a solution! It’s a really useful trait to have.
However, not everybody needs advice all the time. Sometimes, people want to talk about their problems to verbally process them. Telling the difference can be challenging, so one convenient little hack is… Just to ask the speaker if they want your advice. Let’s look in on a conversation between Andre and his friend Kaitlyn, where Andre gives some unsolicited advice to the wrong person. Kaitlyn: Ugh, this move has been so frustrating. Our lawyer was trying to pressure me into buying insurance I didn’t want, and then called me an idiot when I said “No!” He hung up on me! Andre: You should report him. I’d absolutely not do business there. Kaitlyn: Well, I can’t report him. But it was still so frustrating! Andre: Why can’t you report him? I can help you if you want! Kaitlyn: Oh… I’ve got it figured out, but thanks, Andre. Talk to you later. [Kaitlyn leaves while Andre watches in confusion] It can be easy to miss what happened there… But Andre accidentally derailed the conversation with his advice! Kaitlyn’s point wasn’t the lawyer’s conduct, it was her frustration. Let’s see how the same example looks when Andre asks Kaitlyn before offering advice: Kaitlyn: Ugh, this move has been so frustrating. Our lawyer was trying to pressure me into buying insurance I didn’t want, and then called me an idiot when I said “No!” He hung up on me! Andre: Want my advice, or just feel like venting? Either is okay! Kaitlyn: Honestly, I’m so annoyed that I just want to complain for a second. Andre: Totally get it. Vent away! It’s always okay to have advice, as long as you ask before pushing it onto a friend or peer! If they aren’t explicitly coming to you for advice, this is a good habit to practice. And of course, only ask once per conversation! Action step: If you absolutely have to, ask your conversational partner if they want advice– but only once, and respect their answer! 9. Don’t fall into the “spring-loaded response” trap!
Have you ever told someone a story and just known they’re not listening, but instead waiting for their turn to speak?
We’ve all experienced it: the spring-loaded response trap. The nano-second you’re done speaking, they leap right into their explanation and your point is lost in the dust. It doesn’t feel great. As empathetic communicators, we know how it feels to have the conversation shut down while we’re speaking. We want to avoid causing the speaker to this feeling at all costs! The best way to avoid causing this feeling is by taking a hint from some meditation and mindfulness practices. When we’re focused on responding, we’ve forgotten our original goal: listening to understand! So by refocusing on our speaker, we’re recentering ourselves in the present and our original goal. Action step: If you catch yourself waiting to respond, follow the following steps:
10. And finally… Don’t judge!
Nothing shuts down a vulnerable conversation more than the feeling of being judged.
When we’re judged, it’s easy for us to shut down and close off to other people. When someone judges us, we know they aren’t being empathetic to our point of view. Really, judgement is the true enemy of empathy. That doesn’t mean it’s easy to shut down judgement! Our own feelings can flare up. If the person we’re talking to says something that strikes a hurtful chord in us, our anger or frustration can come out as judgement in our language. When we’re empathetically listening, we have to be very careful about what we say. Luckily, if you follow rule 3, you aren’t talking very much! Still, we have to pay careful attention to how we phrase things while listening empathetically. Our goal is to stay open– and to show those we listen to that we care about their point of view! Action step: Replace some common judgemental phrases with their non-judgemental versions!
Empathetic Listening Action Step Summary
Next Step:
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I'm Jeff.
I'll help you supercharge your people skills so that you can have a more fulfilling career, business & social life. Over the last 15 years, I’ve learned... (Read More) Popular Posts• 5 Ways a Communication Coach Can Help You Become a Better Communicator
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