Today I was at a coffee shop getting some work done, and I started eavesdropping on the people next to me. This woman was telling her friend about a work situation:
Her: "I'm just so worried I said the wrong thing...next time something like this happens I don't know what I'll do."
And then it dawned on me. Most of us, whether we know it or not, are time traveling.
Huh?
Basic concept: When you look back to the past and wish you could change the outcome of a situation...or when you're somewhere in the future preplanning a future conversation (I've done this ~1,782 times) that may, but probably won't happen, you're time traveling.
How does this relate to social skills? I'll explain in a moment...
This is basically awful because last time I checked you have 0% control over past or future events. Unless you're Marty McFly.
To give you a sense of what all this means I drew up a picture...
I tricked you! There are words on this too!
My question to you is...where are your recurring thoughts sitting on this pretty little matrix?
If you say that you're always in the sweet spot, you're a liar.
No one is. I'm not. You're not. That's okay.
Why this matters...
Think about the last 5 conversations you've had. What were they about? Uggh, maybe we should work on listening/memory skills first.
Here's the last 5 from my life:
-My roommate's work schedule
-The game tonight
-A friend's vacation
-Umm...I talked to my cat about why she keeps sitting on the piano.
-I think I've only had 4 conversations today.
Damn...that was way harder than I thought. Anyway, the point is: most conversations are about future or past events.
Let's peel back that onion a little more: How you view past or future events has a huge impact on how others perceive you. If you talk about the past in a negative way, people will perceive you as negative person.
It's not fair, I know...but I choose to operate in the in the real world, not the world that I wish existed. In that world, I have a jetpack.
The fucked up (and awesome) thing is, you may not have EVER realized where your thoughts are landing on the matrix until this moment, and that very fact could change your life forever.
Holy shit, I didn't even know this was a problem, what do I do?!
The reason why it's important to understand where your recurring (read: subconscious) thoughts are landing is because it's difficult enough to carry on a conversation with a fellow human being while simultaneously wondering if you're going to mess this conversation up just like you've messed up the last 12 conversations over the last week.
Holy negative feedback loop, Batman!
Recursive: See Recursive
What you should do:
A. Realize that this is something that might be screwing you over. Embrace that.
B. Cry. Just a little.
C. Since you know this exists, you can change it. You just leveled up.
D. Mindfulness is a great place to start. The first step is just being still and NOT LOOKING AT A SCREEN. Let the thoughts flow and acknowledge them, and slap them on the matrix. Stuck? Click here...this exercise will get you going in the right direction. It will also decrease your stress hormone and increase testosterone. Yum.
E. Music that makes you feel positive or powerful is a fantastic resource that will help you become a more positive person. Put away the Korn and death metal.Bonus: Combine music and light non-woo wooie meditation for a compound effect. (Clic
3 ways I can help you level up your communication skills:
1. Private Coaching: I’m the secret weapon top Performers at Google, Netflix, and the US Army trust for people skills coaching. Imagine what I can do for you.
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3. My group convos audio guide. Join over 5,000 overthinkers who have supercharged their group conversation skills using tested strategies in my 56-minute audio training.
I'm Jeff Callahan
I make it nearly impossible for overthinkers to fail at improving their people skills. (I've helped hundreds of people over the last 10 years)
Want to never run out of things to say in conversation again so you connect with more people and make new friends?
Want to speak up more in important meetings at work so you get promoted faster and have an awesome career?
Want to develop unshakeable social confidence and competence so you can walk into any room and feel like you belong there?
As your coach, I'll help you move forward faster.
