 Do you want to make more friends, build your network, and throw parties that make people say “I can’t WAIT for the next one!”? My guest Nick Gray is here to show you how to throw a party that people will LOVE! He’s sharing secrets straight from his book The 2-Hour Cocktail Party. In this episode, you’ll learn:
About Nick: Nick Gray is an investor, entrepreneur, and author. He’s also a 40-year old American man living in Austin, Texas. Nick started and sold two successful companies: Flight Display Systemsand Museum Hack. Over 75,000 people have watched his TEDx talk about why he hates most museums. He’s the author of The 2-Hour Cocktail Party, a step-by-step handbook that teaches you how to build big relationships by hosting small gatherings. Nick’s links:
Listening Options
|
| [00:10:57] Nick: That's exactly right. I'll throw it. And no one will show up or worse. I'll throw it. And only two people will show up. And now they see me with this, right? Cause if no one shows up, okay, fine. But if two or three, so all of my party and my party method and formula is built on guaranteeing that you have an over 90% attendance ratio. | |
[00:11:19] Nick: And one of the ways that we do that is by doing, for example, one to one invitations, we don't mass text. We don't BCC. We don't click every single person on Facebook and event to the event. We're sending them one on one messages. Hey, Jim, I'm thinking of getting some friends together in three weeks on Tuesday night, would you be able to come?
[00:11:38] Nick: So that's the day that you're gonna host the party will only be a Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday night. These are green days when people do not usually have things going on and it will be a two hour time block generally after work. Yeah. So for a lot of my readers, it's six to 8:00 PM. Seven to 9:00 PM.
[00:11:58] Nick: What would it be there where you are, if you were gonna host, what time would you.
[00:12:03] Jeff: Like that seven, seven to nine is, is pretty perfect. Cuz nine is like, okay, I can go home. I can feed my animals. I can go to bed.
[00:12:11] Nick: Yeah. Yes. Yes. It's so funny because in New York where I used to live, I lived in New York city for 13 years.
[00:12:18] Nick: I loved it. But now I live in Austin, Texas, and I love it here. But in New York it was very much a seven to nine, eight to 10 environment. People stay up a lot later. Here in Austin, Texas. My friends are hosting happy hours from like five to seven. And I got here and I was like, don't you guys work?
[00:12:38] Nick: Like, how can you get to a party at five o'clock? But that's just how it is in certain places. Right? Yeah. Anyhow. So that's the green level day. That's the hoping to try to convince you that if you're listening to this and you're like, okay, this is interesting. The very first step that you have to do is just set a date that's minimum three weeks away.
[00:13:02] Nick: On a Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday night. And you're gonna set at least three weeks, cuz that gives you the party runway, which will give you enough time to invite and fill up your list and just, yeah. Yeah. I could talk about all day. What's helpful.
[00:13:16] Jeff: Yeah. So you set a date, it's three weeks in advance. How soon are you trying to send out those invitations?
[00:13:25] Jeff: Do you really wanna give people? Okay. I want people to have those three weeks because they may need to organize childcare if you're not hiring a babysitter for the party or whatnot.
[00:13:33] Nick: Yeah. The three weeks is for you to lock in all the people that are gonna come. This party does not take a lot of plan in.
[00:13:40] Nick: It's not complicated and it's not expensive. You can do the whole thing for under a hundred dollars, but that three weeks gives you time to invite people. And so your very first, next step, before you even invite a lot of people is you invite what I call your core group. And these are five people that you're trying to get to say yes to.
[00:14:00] Nick: That could be your neighbors. It could be your college buddies. It could be your work colleagues that you're very close with, but because your audience is like overachievers and overthinkers, I wanna say, do not invite VIPs to this first party. Do not use this first party as a way to reach out. Oh my God, I'm trying to get this client for my business.
[00:14:23] Nick: I, I gotta invite them. Don't do that. Yeah, because the first one is a low stakes affair where you want to be able to make mistakes and you don't want to feel like high pressure, right. You don't want. I have a lot of single guys who read my book and they use these parties not to meet women, but just to show that they have friends and invite some people to, and you don't wanna do that to invite somebody that you're gonna feel nervous or embarrassed around your first, party's a low stake affair, and you're going to invite people like your neighbors and their significant others that can just fill the room and make you feel like, okay, this is my practice party.
[00:14:59] Jeff: Yeah. I love that because anytime you're trying to do anything new, it could be working out for the first time, whatever it is, make it okay to fail. I put fail on air quotes because it's not a failure. It's a learning lesson, right? Yes. Yes. And that way, the next time you do it, the second time you're gonna be so much, you'll be more comfortable.
[00:15:17] Jeff: The end result like you. That first party may be awesome. The second party may be even more awesome, but that second party you're gonna feel better. And that's, what's important.
[00:15:26] Nick: Oh, yeah. And so that's the first step, right? Is get those five people that'll say yes, these are people that'll laugh at your jokes.
[00:15:31] Nick: They'll show up on time and they're not going to embarrass you after you get those first five people who say yes, and I'm getting into the tactical details. Is that right? I like it. Let's go. As soon as you get those first five, then you're gonna make a page to collect people's RSVPs. There's a lot of platforms online, like, paperless post E invite.
[00:15:49] Nick: Have you used any, is there any that you like, or that you,
[00:15:52] Jeff: I haven't used any in, in, in recent memory, like, yeah. And I was gonna ask you about this because I feel like we're recording this in 20, 22, like 10 years ago. It would've definitely been Facebook. Right? Right. I don't feel like that's the case anymore.
[00:16:06] Nick: I agree with you. I feel that. Yeah. I don't know what to say about it, but I will say that, but way people just see it and they're
[00:16:13] Jeff: like, oh, just another notification. Exactly. But it, especially if there's like, I would assume on these RSVP things like you can make your own custom message for individuals.
[00:16:24] Jeff: And so it feels very personal because that's what I think is gonna lead to people, wanting to come is they, you wanna make them feel special? Cuz that's the entire point. Like they obviously are special if they get to be invited to your party. So
[00:16:35] Jeff: make them feel special.
[00:16:37] Nick: And the way that we make them feel special is by inviting them with a text message or an email and not by blasting, have you ever gotten a Facebook event invitation?
[00:16:46] Nick: It's like, yeah.
[00:16:47] Jeff: What do you do? It's just like, eh, whatever right, right.
[00:16:49] Nick: Right. Or you see the number, the bad ratio, which is like three people say yes, two people say maybe 97 invited and you're like, this seems kind of weird. So anyhow, by the way, that's one thing that we'll do with those first five is we're gonna create a page for people to R SVP, the service that I like as of now, when we're recording this June, 2022, a service called Mixily M-I-X-I-L-Y some other people like paperless post. I have a whole list of the ones that I like on my website, but you're gonna get those first five to go to the RSVP page and RSVP and commit, and that is gonna create social proof. So when you invite other people, then they're gonna see that there's at least five people, plus you there's six people going, and that is gonna be good news.
[00:17:40] Nick: Yeah. So that's the next step. And then once you get those five people, now, your party is happening and now you start to invite that slightly wider circle, the new neighbors who you haven't met yet, the new person at the office, things like that until you get 15 who say yes, and that's the goal is to host an event for about 15 people.
[00:17:59] Nick: Yeah. And so say you get those 15 yeses. If you want 15 yeses how many do you think you would have to invite re are we talking, trying to invite 20 and then 15 say yes.
[00:18:10] Nick: Even for my parties and I'm, I've hosted hundreds of parties. I have to invite at least 10 to 20 more okay. Than the actual number that I want to come.
[00:18:19] Nick: Yeah. And that's because people are busy or people have other stuff going on, even though we're hosting it on a Monday or Tuesday, Wednesday night, three weeks away. Yeah. People still have things going on. So I do have to invite more than the number that I want. And that's the important thing for my party. You're trying to get 15 to say yes, not try to invite 15 to say yes.
[00:18:42] Nick: And here's why we leave that three weeks. It's because the first week you're gonna get those five people. That'll all say yes. And then you can get a couple more. So maybe you get up to 10. Well, now you have a solid two weeks to get five more people. And most people will be shocked that when you have an event coming up on a calendar, the interesting people who you don't think twice about that you bump into that.
[00:19:06] Nick: Now you're like, oh, my friends and I are having a little cocktail party. Can I invite you? It's the barista at your store. It's a cool person you bump into at somebody else's event. It's just incredible. How, once you host events, you start to collect all these new friends.
[00:19:22] Jeff: Yeah. And I really like that because one of the things that Kind of makes you interesting and helps you have a reason to get to know people is by having regular events, you know, it could be like a meetup that you go to, but it could absolutely be a party that you host.
[00:19:37] Jeff: And if you're hosting, if you're trying to host a party every month or so then you're always gonna have a party in the pipeline. You only have one week there where you don't have something scheduled, but you know, something's coming up. And so it's easy to have a reason to get together with new people.
[00:19:51] Jeff: And one of the things that I talk about is something called the strategic. Yes. And it's the more you can say yes to events, the more events come your way. Right. So being able to have an event that you can extend a invite to,
so someone else can say yes. Yeah, great. That takes that relationship where it might just die on the vine.
[00:20:10] Jeff: If you're like, oh, well, it's cool to meet you. And then like, you've got their number, but you never text them. Two. Yeah, no we met each other and then we hung out a week later and you're deepening that relationship almost immediately. Yes.
[00:20:22] Nick: Wow. Wow. Wow. Can you talk more about that strategic yes.
[00:20:25] Jeff: Yeah. So typically it's kind of flipped the other way where it's like, if you are being in, if someone's extending invites to you and you say no, that, that circle. Just shrinks and shrinks and shrinks because people don't like being told. No. And so those invites at work will dry up or that invite from your from your friend groups, they'll start to dry up cuz people just don't like to be let down like that.
[00:20:48] Jeff: But the more you say yes, especially if you're moving to a new city or you're starting a new job, even though you may not quite feel like going out to that event, like you just say, okay, for the next month, I'm gonna say yes, as much as possible because I want those invites to keep coming my way.
[00:21:03] Jeff: And so it sort of builds a flywheel where it's easier to get invited to stuff because you went to stuff and it builds that sort of the virtuous cycle.
[00:21:11] Nick: I love that. And I'll add on a pro tip or a hack for somebody who hosts
[00:21:16] Nick: events like myself, I would say, and maybe, you know this and you advise people that if you're getting invited to things and you wanna know how can I be a great guest or how can I make it easy?
[00:21:25] Nick: I suggest arriving on time or even a minute early, because many times we may think, oh, the event starts at seven I'm a little bit socially anxious. I'm I don't really know. I'm gonna show up at eight o'clock. I don't wanna do this, that or the other for myself. It is way more intimidating for me to show up to a crowded party.
[00:21:46] Nick: Where I feel like I'm walking into something and I'm like, oh my God, it's loud. I have all this stuff. Do you know what I mean? Sort of,
[00:21:54] Jeff: yeah, there's too much cognitive load. Right. like, it's like, the music's loud. All these people seem to know each other. Well, they didn't know each other an hour ago.
[00:22:02] Jeff: Right. Like show up early and. If you can show up a minute or two early and I love the tip in your book about starting events at like 6 57 or something like that. That's great. You get to show up a little early and then it feels even though it's not your party, if you're going to someone else's party, you get to take a little bit of ownership.
[00:22:18] Jeff: Yes. Uh, You know, I've had some clients that are like, yeah. You know, I was at my buddy's party and I was bartender for the night and that, yes, I got to circulate and meet all these new people because they felt like sort of a host to that party
[00:22:30] Nick: 100%. And that's in my book, actually, it's the idea of how you, as a host can delegate duties to your early arrivals.
[00:22:38] Nick: And so I suggest for anybody listening to this, if you have. Slight social anxiety, or if you don't know about going to events, show up on time. And when you get there, ask the host how you can help. And I love going to a party on time or slightly early, cuz I get to see the party form around me and it gives me more confidence and I get to start slower and build up the momentum of my own social skills as opposed to walking into just this wall of people and noise.
[00:23:06] Nick: And that takes a lot, that's hard to shift gears like that. Yeah.
[00:23:09] Jeff: So what about like the take the person who is like, okay Nick. Yeah. Yeah. I want to host my own party, but I'm a little self-conscious about my house or inviting people in my house. Cause I thought you had some really good thoughts in your book around Just totally like sidestepping and reframing kind of house anxiety.
[00:23:26] Nick: Yeah. I think that's a really good point about that. Reframing it. And I've helped over 55 people now host their first party and for 97% of people, their house is the best place to host. Maybe if you live in a shared family situation where you're caring for maybe an elder family member, and it's not possible, maybe if you don't have an elevator and you want your house to be wheelchair accessible, maybe then home isn't.
[00:23:54] Nick: But for most people, the home is correct. And I'll give you the best example. The best example of somebody who thinks their home is not correct, is someone who is perhaps an entrepreneur that projects an image of themselves that is perhaps slightly more successful than their living home situation. And they are embarrassed about the size of their house or the location or something.
[00:24:15] Nick: And the advice that I have to you about that is the act of hosting at home is such a vulnerable act that you actually create more emotional connection and buy in with all of your visitors, by welcoming them into your space. And they will show up to your house and they will not look around and say, oh, this place is tiny and leave your house and start a rival house party.
[00:24:44] Nick: They're not going to do that. It does not work. It does not happen. I worked with a woman in New Jersey who wanted to host her first party and she lived in a two bedroom apartment. And the reality was, she said, I am a little embarrassed that I live in an apartment and many of my friends have a house.
[00:25:01] Nick: And for years she had been saying, I'm gonna host. When I get the house. When I get the house, I work with somebody else who said, we're gonna host when we get the pool. As soon as we get the pool put in, then we're gonna host. I said, They're not coming for your house or your pool. People don't come over for that.
[00:25:18] Nick: They come over for you and they come over to meet people. And it's not about the fancy thing. So it is a mindset. And nobody's gonna dig through your guest bedroom and find that's where you stored all your junk. I keep junk around my house. You know what I do. I take some of these plastic tubs or I take an Amazon box and I literally pick up all the junk in my house.
[00:25:39] Nick: And I put it in one of those boxes and I throw it in a closet and my house looks tidy for at least a couple hours. yeah, my house is never cleaner than the 10 minutes before a party. Oh
[00:25:51] Jeff: yeah. Like, Sort of pre COVID when we would have people over, like, it was a great excuse for us to just do a nice clean, real quick, where it's just like, oh, everything was great.
[00:26:00] Jeff: And even for a while we had a housekeeper that would come and clean and it's funny because I would clean before they would get here. right. want them to see like, and it's their job to like, come over and clean. like, no, I'm over here cleaning as their car's pulling in. But yeah, there, there are a lot of options.
[00:26:14] Jeff: Like if you have a little disposable income, like hire a cleaner to come over, just clean it up so that you don't have to so that you can go do something else related to the party. Right.
[00:26:24] Nick: There's a 19 step pre-party checklist that I have online. Oh man, that any of your. Viewers or listeners can download the website is www.party.pro P-R-O.
[00:26:38] Nick: So www.party.pro and has a checklist of simple things you can do, like wipe down your curtains, put a candle on the bathroom. Here's something that I learned put away your bath towels that you use after you shower. You don't want people to be tempted to dry their hands on those. You don't wanna shower with that afterwards.
[00:26:56] Nick: They don't wanna dry their hands on those. Yeah. And so just put 'em away. So it's not even so it's in the bathroom and just hide those things. Simple stuff like that, that we can drill into the logistics and the extreme tactical nature, which the later. Sections in my book, but just the mental idea of hosting at home.
[00:27:14] Nick: And so briefly, I'll tell you why it's gonna work better for you. Number one, it's incredibly generous. When you host at home, it's vulnerable and it's generous. How is it generous? There's no tab. If you're thinking, oh, hosted at a bar, when now people have to pay for their drinks. They're not that thankful of you.
[00:27:31] Nick: Yes. You got people together, but you didn't give them anything. Versus now when you host at home, you get to give them a drink. It's small, but what's the cost of a drink at a bar, $5, $10. You're giving them these small gifts that for you, they cost much less anyhow. So it's very generous and you get to control the environment when you're out at a bar, there's all these other people.
[00:27:52] Nick: Who's part of the party. Who's not part of the party. Yeah, so I feel very strongly that this type of event has to happen at home. It's more intimate as well. Yeah,
[00:28:00] Jeff: absolutely. So when people arrive you're handing out name tags,
[00:28:03] Jeff: correct?
[00:28:04] Nick: Yes, I'm very passionate about this as well. Okay.
[00:28:07] Jeff: I'm gonna give it, I'm gonna give you a soapbox and you can stand on it and you can shout from the mountain tops about name tags.
[00:28:14] Nick: So we have to think when we invite people that we're trying to make it a safe space for the introverts and for shy people and name tags, help with that so much by removing just one thing of having to memorize, oh my God, there's 15 people at this party. What was their name? And you're trying to be present in the conversation.
[00:28:32] Nick: And you're also like, oh my God, I forgot this person's name. I'm so embarrassed. I hope they don't use my name. And then I have to use their name. Name tags also serve as a visual unifier for everybody at your party. That you're all on the same team that this isn't a party where there's clicks. Can you imagine you go to somebody's house, you don't really know anybody, but the host you're like, oh, do they all know each other from work or something?
[00:28:56] Nick: Well, now the name tag creates the safe space that it's okay to go up and speak to new people. And it's just like wearing a Jersey on a sports team. When you all wear that same one, you feel together like you're a part of something. Yes, it's cheesy. Yes. It's silly to do it at a house party, but the way that you'll get around any resistance in doing it is mention in the name tag in the event.
[00:29:18] Nick: RSVP. And I even do it in the invitation sometimes. So I'll say, come hang out, meet some new friends. I'm having a party where we're gonna have some drinks. I'll have name tags, cuz I'm bad with names and we'll do a few rounds of ice breakers. So we all can meet some new people. I use this and I set the expectation in the invitation.
[00:29:41] Nick: In the reminder messages, which we have to talk about that, but I set this expectation so that when somebody shows up, there is no surprise that there will be name tags, and there is zero resistance. When you set the expectations, you get the resistance when you spring it on them, when you surprise them, Hey, we're gonna do name tags.
[00:30:00] Nick: Like what, why am I doing name tags? Right. It feels weird if they don't know. Yeah.
[00:30:05] Jeff: I love that. I'm a huge fan of setting, good expectations. And and the more times you mention it, the easier it's gonna be. So name tags are an absolute must. So where we're at in our party, we've got our core five. Yeah, we've got the additional ones that add up to 15.
[00:30:20] Jeff: We've got our name tag. So something that I loved in your book was Two rounds of icebreakers. You
may do more, you may do less, but like having those two rounds of icebreakers as people arrived to the party helped to just kind of level everything out. So I would love if you could talk about that.
[00:30:35] Nick: So here's the thing, have you ever been to a party and you don't know who to talk to? There's all these people there and you're like, okay, I guess I will talk to the people that I bump into that like, now it's up to me to go up and just guess like, okay, this person looks interesting, I guess. Or like, while I'm getting a drink, I'll make small talk next to the person.
[00:30:55] Nick: And that's fine. That's what I call like unstructured time. And that happens, and that will still happen at this party. But at my party, you'll use two to three icebreakers where you very quickly circle everybody up and it's like a short survey of the room and it's not to see, like who's more important.
[00:31:12] Nick: It's just to give you an idea of who maybe you wanna talk to and to give your guests and excuse to start some new conversations, however, There's also a secret feature of the icebreakers. The icebreakers allow your guests to end their conversations. Have you ever been at a party and you get stuck talking to somebody and you're like, I'm done with this conversation.
[00:31:34] Nick: Like, I don't wanna be an ass, but like I'm done.
[00:31:37] Jeff: And you're thinking at the time, I'm like, I'm gonna die of old age in this conversation. yes. Like this is my final resting place. Is this conversation? Yes.
[00:31:44] Nick: Yes. This is it. Well, when you lead these icebreakers and you make these interruptions during your party, you give your guests the opportunity to graciously end those and new hosts.
[00:31:54] Nick: Oftentimes. Mentally struggle with this. They're like, huh? Why do I wanna interrupt? Look at everybody. They're talking. Well, I'll tell you what the best conversations, the good ones they will reform later on. Someone will say okay, that's fine. Like, let's do the icebreaker. And then those really good ones, they will find each other out and they will come back together.
[00:32:13] Jeff: It's kind of
[00:32:13] Jeff: like just a little mini party reset. Okay. Everyone, we're gonna do an ice breaker in one minute. Yeah. Or something like that. And everyone's like this. And some people are like, oh my God, thank you. cause you just gave him a life preserver in an ocean of a rambler.
[00:32:27] Nick: Right, right, right.
[00:32:28] Nick: That's exactly what it is. I love that idea. Of a party reset that's kind of what this is, and you give people an excuse to graciously end. So I oftentimes do that. I'll make a short announcement, I'll say, Hey everybody, we're gonna do a round of ice breakers in about three minutes. If you wanna grab a drink, grab a refill, use the restroom three minutes.
[00:32:46] Nick: We're gonna do a quick round of ice breakers. So at the party itself, it's a two hour event you'll lead three icebreakers. The first one is about 10 to 15 minutes after your first guest arrive when there's only maybe four or five people there, and you do this practice icebreaker to get out of the awkward zone.
[00:33:04] Nick: The awkward zone is that first 10, 15, 20 minutes. When there's not enough momentum, there's not enough people there to have that energy in the. And so when there are about five people you'll lead around icebreakers and that literally breaks the ice to get people to start some new conversations. The second is the same exact icebreakers.
[00:33:23] Nick: The first time. My favorite one, I can talk about that too, if you wanna know, but you lead the same icebreaker, but now with everybody at your party. So for your party, that starts at seven, you'll do that second icebreaker at about seven 30 and then you'll do the third and final icebreaker about 45 minutes later, or so about 8:15, 8:20.
[00:33:42] Nick: And you'll lead that last icebreaker. And that one's a little bit longer. People are warmed up, they've made some new connections, they're ready to be a little bit more giving in their answers. And you also do a group photo at that time. I go into all these details exactly. When to do the group photo, which icebreakers do you use?
[00:34:00] Nick: And things like. Nice.
[00:34:02] Nick: I love kind of the overarching structure of like, most of the party is gonna be organic and people are gonna be talking, but you've got these chapters to the party. Yes. Where you're like, okay, we do this. Then we do this. Then we do the picture. And it gives people like that good memory of like, yeah, it was probably unlike any party that they've ever
[00:34:18] Nick: been to.
[00:34:20] Nick: That's what I hear from people. I hear that from a lot of people who host my party and I've worked with 55 other people so far, I'm trying to get to 500. That's my goal. But 55 people I've read my book and they've hosted their first party. And they hear that from, they say, wow, I've never been to a party like that.
[00:34:35] Nick: That was so much fun. And what people start to ask is when is your next one? Yeah. And what I'm trying to show people is anybody can do this and you will be the type of person where people ask you, when's your next party? Like, just think what, like, what would your life be like that if people were asking you begging you to host another party.
[00:34:53] Nick: Yeah.
[00:34:53] Jeff: Like, something that you mentioned in the book is, and I wrote a note here. Serendipity, right? Like you've had people get job offers through parties you know, clients connections. Yeah. So there's a concept called the I think it's called like the surface area of luck. People have said this a bunch of different ways.
[00:35:11] Jeff: James clear has a really good quote. That's like, the person who only takes one shot, they have everything has to go. Because they only got that one shot. The person takes a hundred shots. Yeah. They're gonna score some points. Like it's going to happen. It's inevitable because they're, they've, they're putting forth effort and there's a lot of opportunity.
[00:35:30] Jeff: And so for every party you throw, you never know who who may come with a friend, you know, could be anything. Yes. And you're, you might meet I know you're hoping for like your first marriage out of the parties that you've thrown so they, people might meet their next their next spouse.
[00:35:45] Jeff: Their only spouse you know, the love of their life. They may meet an amazing business connection. They may just meet a really cool person who ends up being a lifelong friend. So that serendipity piece of it is worth trying it. If for no other reason, you know, leave out the, I want to build my social skills.
[00:36:00] Jeff: That'll happen as a byproduct of this experience that you're creating for people think of the connections that you get to build over and.
[00:36:08] Jeff: There
[00:36:08] Nick: was some research that showed that we find out about most new opportunities in life, through a concept called our weak ties or our loose connections. These are more of our acquaintances than our friends and the parties that I specialize in.
[00:36:24] Nick: And that I teach people how to host are really to build your network of acquaintances there, to nurture and build that because new job opportunities, new investments, new romantic partners, new fun things to do. It's often these people that are on the tertiary, the edge of our network, I don't know if I'm using the right words, but it's those people that are not the closest ones to us.
[00:36:47] Nick: Right. But we find out about these new opportunities from these loose connections or these weak ties. And these types of parties are a great way for you to build your network of those people.
[00:36:58] Jeff: I love it. And so a couple of things I wanna talk about with the time that we have, one is how to gracefully end a party.
[00:37:05] Jeff: Because one of the things that I cover with my students is how to kind of gracefully end a conversation because having that exit strategy really helps add to the whole comfort of everything. And I thought you had a great strategy for having a smooth segue at the end of a party.
[00:37:20] Nick: Yeah. I think just like the name tags setting, the expectation that your party will be a two hour event by setting in the event, invitation both a start time and an end time, have you ever been invited to like a Memorial day barbecue or something?
[00:37:35] Nick: And it says it starts at four o'clock and there's no end time. Yeah. And you're. Well, it starts at four. I'm obviously not gonna show up till five and then like, we probably won't eat till six and then like, God, it's gonna go to, like, this is the rest of my life. This is the rest of my life. I'm gonna die here.
[00:37:51] Nick: And so similarly, by setting the expectation in the invitation that you're hosting a two hour party by leaving a start and an end time, people know that it's kind of, and so I will make an announcement 15 minutes before the scheduled end time. That's like a last call where I thank everybody for coming.
[00:38:08] Nick: And I'll say something like, Hey everybody, thank you so much for coming. It's 8 45. I said the party would go till nine. So if you wanna grab a last drink, say, Hey, is somebody new that you didn't get a chance to meet with? We'll start to wrap up here soon. And then around nine o'clock, you know, I have a whole strategy.
[00:38:24] Nick: Then I mentioned this in my book in chapter 13, about at nine o'clock, you know, you're gonna turn the music down, turn the lights up. Thank everybody. Again. There's a little activity. I do a little cheer, which sounds so ridiculous and so goofy, but I promise you, it works just like the harmonica that I talk about in the party.
[00:38:43] Nick: These things sound silly and they sound goofy, but they're memorable and people will give you the space as a host. And so we'll do something or you can just thank them for coming and then kind of start to tidy up and people will make their way out. You could also, you know, if people are still hanging around, play the song closing time, of course that's why they wrote it.
[00:39:02] Nick: that's why they wrote it. Right. Just to give them really the hand. It is time to. Yeah,
[00:39:07] Jeff: I love it. And that easy segue, like if people are still hanging out, like if you can suggest other venues that they might go to, I know that you wrote about that as well. Yep. But yeah, like cheesy stuff, I get harmonica it's memorable and I guarantee you no one, no, one's heard a, like an announcement at a party with a harmonica before.
[00:39:25] Jeff: And so it works. It adds to the whole experience. And it I would imagine that it also helps you end on a high note, right. Instead of waiting for all the energy to be gone.
[00:39:35] Nick: Yes. It's exactly that it's ending your party. Like you wanna pop a balloon. It's a difference between popping a balloon or letting the air slowly empty out of a balloon and get all saggy.
[00:39:45] Nick: You wanna end it with intention. And many times there'll be an effort for somebody to say, oh, let's keep going. Let's keep going on. Or my favorite is someone will say, dude, I haven't talked to you all night. Like, you're the host. I wanna hang out, come on. People are leaving. Let's talk in a very specific.
[00:40:03] Nick: Tactical thing, because I recommend people for your first party. It on time, take time, like this is a marathon, not a sprint. And so I'll tell people if somebody is doing that and they're trying to talk to you at the end of your party, when you wanna end for your own self care, you say, Hey, I am so glad that you wanna chat.
[00:40:22] Nick: I would love to catch up, but I need to clean up now and I need to get ready for work tomorrow. I would love though, to connect. Can I call you tomorrow or maybe on the weekend? And can we have a phone call or maybe can we meet up for a cup of coffee? And what you do is you acknowledge that person who wants to connect with you and you say, I want this to happen, this connection.
[00:40:43] Nick: I just have to do it in the future. Cuz right now I'm doing. And EV I've used that more than a hundred times that I've never had a negative reaction. I love it.
[00:40:52] Jeff: You're acknowledging the person's feelings. You're setting up some kind of plan. Yeah, that's it. I love it. Yeah. Now you, you mentioned a few minutes ago about.
[00:41:01] Jeff: I think it was the party reminders that yes. You wanted to talk about. I think that might be a really good point because I know there, there could be some anxiety of like, yeah, if I send out the invitations, like how do I make sure that people come
[00:41:13] Nick: and that's the biggest thing, right? I'll so much of my party plan in handbook involves making sure that you're gonna have a great attendance.
[00:41:20] Nick: And then 90% of the work is done because the little secret is once you reach that magic space around 15 to 20 people, it's actually much less work for you as a host. And so one of the reasons I don't like dinner parties, because with six people. I have to do a lot of work. I have to carry the conversation.
[00:41:36] Nick: I have to feed everybody. I have to carry the whole night with 15 to 20 people at your party. New conversations are forming. Nobody gets a chance to talk to every single individual. So there's a lot of new connections happening. Let's talk about the reminder messages real quick for you to host a successful event and a party.
[00:41:55] Nick: You need everybody to show up and for them to show up, you have to keep your event top of mind. And so you're gonna send three reminder messages. The ones that I suggest and that I use is I send a message one week before the party, I send a message three days before the party, and I send a message the morning of the party.
[00:42:13] Nick: And in that reminder message in the last two, I include my secret weapon, which is called guest bios. That ramps up really the attendance ratio and the excitement. And it gives people new ideas on who to talk to. And if you'll allow me, that's the one thing. That I will sort of ask people to send me an email about or something, and I'll send you the details or I have a beautiful blog in depth article.
[00:42:38] Nick: That's on my website about guest bios and why for any event that you host, you need to be using them.
[00:42:44] Jeff: Yeah. And if you're good with it, I can include that link to that. Yeah. Please blog post in the show notes for sure. Great. Uh, And are you sending out these. Is this emails that you're sending
[00:42:54] Nick: or I like to send out emails.
[00:42:56] Nick: Okay. I think emails, I put everybody on BCC. I don't like to use the event platforms because oftentimes your messages will go into the promotions folder. Right. And so I do like to go in all of the event platforms, I suggest will allow you to download a CSV of all your attendees and their email addresses.
[00:43:14] Nick: And that's another reason that we collect RSVPs to get people's email addresses. Some people like to do this on text message. I don't like to do the stuff on text message. I can't include all the relevant info. I don't want people replying back on a thread. Right. I like to send emails. Cool. Yeah.
[00:43:30] Jeff: Easy enough.
[00:43:31] Jeff: So one, one final point that I wanted to bring up that blew my mind. As soon as I read it, I was like, well, duh is why should you. Maybe throw away all the chairs in your house for the night of the party
[00:43:46] Nick: sitting down is Kryptonite to a successful event. And here's why at a good event, you want it to be easy to go up and talk to new people.
[00:43:56] Nick: And whenever I go to something where people are seated, it's very intimidating to start and break into that conversation. And people get stuck in conversation. It's very hard to bump around the room and to end a conversation when you're seated is even more difficult and being seated really sucks the energy out of a room and it makes your icebreakers go so much longer.
[00:44:18] Nick: A good icebreaker is a fast icebreaker. And so sitting down while it can be very helpful for one-on-one conversations and for dinners and for a chance to build a deep relationship for these types of parties, where the goal is for your guests. By the way I didn't even mention this. Your party will be a success because all of your guests are gonna get to meet so many new, interesting people, not from their social circle.
[00:44:45] Nick: So that's why this is a success for people to come and attend this party that you'll host. They'll get to meet so many new people. And these days it's very hard to meet new people for adults. Nobody teaches adults how to make new friends. Maybe you meet people at work. Yeah, but most people just don't meet a lot of new people.
[00:45:04] Jeff: I love it. And this completely turns the one of the objections to someone hosting at their house on its head. Oh, I don't have enough chairs. Well, good. You're in the perfect environment. In fact, the chairs that you do have put them somewhere where the guests can't sit on them.
[00:45:18] Nick: Yes, exactly.
[00:45:19] Nick: Oh my gosh. That's the funny thing. Oh, I can't have a party cuz I don't have enough chairs. That's perfect. Hide
[00:45:26] Jeff: your chairs. Hide em. Hide. 'em chop 'em up. Yeah, so you've just given us so many great nuggets. Where can someone go to, to get your book, to learn more about ho hosting great parties.
[00:45:41] Nick: We'd be happy to share about this.
[00:45:43] Nick: I just launched my book. I'm gonna hold up the cover of it here. It's called the two hour cocktail party. You can buy it online. Wherever books are sold, you can buy it in Kindle. I think it's about $7. You can buy. This version, I have a satisfaction guarantee on the book. And if you buy this and you think that it's not valuable, then I'm happy to send you your money back.
[00:46:03] Nick: Send me an email. You can look me up online. I feel very strongly about this, but the name of the website, the two hour cocktail party, my name is Nick Gray. Then I built a whole website that lists some of the key concepts and articles and shows a bunch of case studies of other people that have read my book and hosted their party with photos of how the parties looked and things like that.
[00:46:23] Nick: You can find that at www.Party.pro, and on that website too, you can download a two page PDF that lists both the checklist of 19 things to do before you host your first event and an executive summary that lists all the high level things in my book. So download that it's a free download and I hope that you'll check out my book.
[00:46:50] Jeff: Yeah. And. For anyone that's thinking about hosting a party or listening to this, and they're saying, yeah, I think I can do that. You can do it. Nick makes it as easy. I mean, the only thing easy would be like, if Nick like inhabited your body and like moved you around, like took you to the grocery store and bought things like this is as easy as it's ever going to get to host a party.
[00:47:10] Jeff: And a lot of the fears or anxieties or objections you might have Nick, just take some T and he blows 'em up.
[00:47:15] Nick: And I've listed even the exact scripts and the exact text messages that I send to my friends and the exact reminder messages. They're all in the book. So you have the scripts of exactly what to say from three weeks before your party to invite the first person to what to say, literally the script for the first people who arrive and then to how to finish the party and how to close it on time.
[00:47:38] Jeff: Nick, I, is there anything else that, that you feel like we, I mean, there's probably a lot that we didn't talk about, but I, is there anything that we haven't talked about that you feel like we should any final wisdom or tips when it comes to hosting a great party?
[00:47:52] Nick: I think I just encourage your listeners to know that I moved to New York.
[00:47:57] Nick: I didn't have a lot of friends. I wasn't, as you know, you hear me talking now excited and I can speak a lot about this. That wasn't how I started. I was not very. Social in high school or in college, I hardly had a girlfriend in college and I now am somebody who just hosts events and hosting parties and events is a skill.
[00:48:16] Nick: Just like anything that you can get good at people aren't born natural hosts. They do it because they were raised in environments. I've hosted hundreds of parties now, and I've written down everything I've learned so that you don't have to make the mistakes that I did along the way. Like, you know, spending too much on decorations, which doesn't matter.
[00:48:35] Nick: Nobody cares about that stuff.
[00:48:38] Jeff: I love it. Well, Nick I appreciate you taking the time to walk us through this and I wish you nothing but success when it comes to your book. And I'll definitely report back when I have my own.
[00:48:48] Nick: Thank you. I can't wait. I can't wait to help you. It's gonna be big.
[00:11:38] Nick: So that's the day that you're gonna host the party will only be a Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday night. These are green days when people do not usually have things going on and it will be a two hour time block generally after work. Yeah. So for a lot of my readers, it's six to 8:00 PM. Seven to 9:00 PM.
[00:11:58] Nick: What would it be there where you are, if you were gonna host, what time would you.
[00:12:03] Jeff: Like that seven, seven to nine is, is pretty perfect. Cuz nine is like, okay, I can go home. I can feed my animals. I can go to bed.
[00:12:11] Nick: Yeah. Yes. Yes. It's so funny because in New York where I used to live, I lived in New York city for 13 years.
[00:12:18] Nick: I loved it. But now I live in Austin, Texas, and I love it here. But in New York it was very much a seven to nine, eight to 10 environment. People stay up a lot later. Here in Austin, Texas. My friends are hosting happy hours from like five to seven. And I got here and I was like, don't you guys work?
[00:12:38] Nick: Like, how can you get to a party at five o'clock? But that's just how it is in certain places. Right? Yeah. Anyhow. So that's the green level day. That's the hoping to try to convince you that if you're listening to this and you're like, okay, this is interesting. The very first step that you have to do is just set a date that's minimum three weeks away.
[00:13:02] Nick: On a Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday night. And you're gonna set at least three weeks, cuz that gives you the party runway, which will give you enough time to invite and fill up your list and just, yeah. Yeah. I could talk about all day. What's helpful.
[00:13:16] Jeff: Yeah. So you set a date, it's three weeks in advance. How soon are you trying to send out those invitations?
[00:13:25] Jeff: Do you really wanna give people? Okay. I want people to have those three weeks because they may need to organize childcare if you're not hiring a babysitter for the party or whatnot.
[00:13:33] Nick: Yeah. The three weeks is for you to lock in all the people that are gonna come. This party does not take a lot of plan in.
[00:13:40] Nick: It's not complicated and it's not expensive. You can do the whole thing for under a hundred dollars, but that three weeks gives you time to invite people. And so your very first, next step, before you even invite a lot of people is you invite what I call your core group. And these are five people that you're trying to get to say yes to.
[00:14:00] Nick: That could be your neighbors. It could be your college buddies. It could be your work colleagues that you're very close with, but because your audience is like overachievers and overthinkers, I wanna say, do not invite VIPs to this first party. Do not use this first party as a way to reach out. Oh my God, I'm trying to get this client for my business.
[00:14:23] Nick: I, I gotta invite them. Don't do that. Yeah, because the first one is a low stakes affair where you want to be able to make mistakes and you don't want to feel like high pressure, right. You don't want. I have a lot of single guys who read my book and they use these parties not to meet women, but just to show that they have friends and invite some people to, and you don't wanna do that to invite somebody that you're gonna feel nervous or embarrassed around your first, party's a low stake affair, and you're going to invite people like your neighbors and their significant others that can just fill the room and make you feel like, okay, this is my practice party.
[00:14:59] Jeff: Yeah. I love that because anytime you're trying to do anything new, it could be working out for the first time, whatever it is, make it okay to fail. I put fail on air quotes because it's not a failure. It's a learning lesson, right? Yes. Yes. And that way, the next time you do it, the second time you're gonna be so much, you'll be more comfortable.
[00:15:17] Jeff: The end result like you. That first party may be awesome. The second party may be even more awesome, but that second party you're gonna feel better. And that's, what's important.
[00:15:26] Nick: Oh, yeah. And so that's the first step, right? Is get those five people that'll say yes, these are people that'll laugh at your jokes.
[00:15:31] Nick: They'll show up on time and they're not going to embarrass you after you get those first five people who say yes, and I'm getting into the tactical details. Is that right? I like it. Let's go. As soon as you get those first five, then you're gonna make a page to collect people's RSVPs. There's a lot of platforms online, like, paperless post E invite.
[00:15:49] Nick: Have you used any, is there any that you like, or that you,
[00:15:52] Jeff: I haven't used any in, in, in recent memory, like, yeah. And I was gonna ask you about this because I feel like we're recording this in 20, 22, like 10 years ago. It would've definitely been Facebook. Right? Right. I don't feel like that's the case anymore.
[00:16:06] Nick: I agree with you. I feel that. Yeah. I don't know what to say about it, but I will say that, but way people just see it and they're
[00:16:13] Jeff: like, oh, just another notification. Exactly. But it, especially if there's like, I would assume on these RSVP things like you can make your own custom message for individuals.
[00:16:24] Jeff: And so it feels very personal because that's what I think is gonna lead to people, wanting to come is they, you wanna make them feel special? Cuz that's the entire point. Like they obviously are special if they get to be invited to your party. So
[00:16:35] Jeff: make them feel special.
[00:16:37] Nick: And the way that we make them feel special is by inviting them with a text message or an email and not by blasting, have you ever gotten a Facebook event invitation?
[00:16:46] Nick: It's like, yeah.
[00:16:47] Jeff: What do you do? It's just like, eh, whatever right, right.
[00:16:49] Nick: Right. Or you see the number, the bad ratio, which is like three people say yes, two people say maybe 97 invited and you're like, this seems kind of weird. So anyhow, by the way, that's one thing that we'll do with those first five is we're gonna create a page for people to R SVP, the service that I like as of now, when we're recording this June, 2022, a service called Mixily M-I-X-I-L-Y some other people like paperless post. I have a whole list of the ones that I like on my website, but you're gonna get those first five to go to the RSVP page and RSVP and commit, and that is gonna create social proof. So when you invite other people, then they're gonna see that there's at least five people, plus you there's six people going, and that is gonna be good news.
[00:17:40] Nick: Yeah. So that's the next step. And then once you get those five people, now, your party is happening and now you start to invite that slightly wider circle, the new neighbors who you haven't met yet, the new person at the office, things like that until you get 15 who say yes, and that's the goal is to host an event for about 15 people.
[00:17:59] Nick: Yeah. And so say you get those 15 yeses. If you want 15 yeses how many do you think you would have to invite re are we talking, trying to invite 20 and then 15 say yes.
[00:18:10] Nick: Even for my parties and I'm, I've hosted hundreds of parties. I have to invite at least 10 to 20 more okay. Than the actual number that I want to come.
[00:18:19] Nick: Yeah. And that's because people are busy or people have other stuff going on, even though we're hosting it on a Monday or Tuesday, Wednesday night, three weeks away. Yeah. People still have things going on. So I do have to invite more than the number that I want. And that's the important thing for my party. You're trying to get 15 to say yes, not try to invite 15 to say yes.
[00:18:42] Nick: And here's why we leave that three weeks. It's because the first week you're gonna get those five people. That'll all say yes. And then you can get a couple more. So maybe you get up to 10. Well, now you have a solid two weeks to get five more people. And most people will be shocked that when you have an event coming up on a calendar, the interesting people who you don't think twice about that you bump into that.
[00:19:06] Nick: Now you're like, oh, my friends and I are having a little cocktail party. Can I invite you? It's the barista at your store. It's a cool person you bump into at somebody else's event. It's just incredible. How, once you host events, you start to collect all these new friends.
[00:19:22] Jeff: Yeah. And I really like that because one of the things that Kind of makes you interesting and helps you have a reason to get to know people is by having regular events, you know, it could be like a meetup that you go to, but it could absolutely be a party that you host.
[00:19:37] Jeff: And if you're hosting, if you're trying to host a party every month or so then you're always gonna have a party in the pipeline. You only have one week there where you don't have something scheduled, but you know, something's coming up. And so it's easy to have a reason to get together with new people.
[00:19:51] Jeff: And one of the things that I talk about is something called the strategic. Yes. And it's the more you can say yes to events, the more events come your way. Right. So being able to have an event that you can extend a invite to,
so someone else can say yes. Yeah, great. That takes that relationship where it might just die on the vine.
[00:20:10] Jeff: If you're like, oh, well, it's cool to meet you. And then like, you've got their number, but you never text them. Two. Yeah, no we met each other and then we hung out a week later and you're deepening that relationship almost immediately. Yes.
[00:20:22] Nick: Wow. Wow. Wow. Can you talk more about that strategic yes.
[00:20:25] Jeff: Yeah. So typically it's kind of flipped the other way where it's like, if you are being in, if someone's extending invites to you and you say no, that, that circle. Just shrinks and shrinks and shrinks because people don't like being told. No. And so those invites at work will dry up or that invite from your from your friend groups, they'll start to dry up cuz people just don't like to be let down like that.
[00:20:48] Jeff: But the more you say yes, especially if you're moving to a new city or you're starting a new job, even though you may not quite feel like going out to that event, like you just say, okay, for the next month, I'm gonna say yes, as much as possible because I want those invites to keep coming my way.
[00:21:03] Jeff: And so it sort of builds a flywheel where it's easier to get invited to stuff because you went to stuff and it builds that sort of the virtuous cycle.
[00:21:11] Nick: I love that. And I'll add on a pro tip or a hack for somebody who hosts
[00:21:16] Nick: events like myself, I would say, and maybe, you know this and you advise people that if you're getting invited to things and you wanna know how can I be a great guest or how can I make it easy?
[00:21:25] Nick: I suggest arriving on time or even a minute early, because many times we may think, oh, the event starts at seven I'm a little bit socially anxious. I'm I don't really know. I'm gonna show up at eight o'clock. I don't wanna do this, that or the other for myself. It is way more intimidating for me to show up to a crowded party.
[00:21:46] Nick: Where I feel like I'm walking into something and I'm like, oh my God, it's loud. I have all this stuff. Do you know what I mean? Sort of,
[00:21:54] Jeff: yeah, there's too much cognitive load. Right. like, it's like, the music's loud. All these people seem to know each other. Well, they didn't know each other an hour ago.
[00:22:02] Jeff: Right. Like show up early and. If you can show up a minute or two early and I love the tip in your book about starting events at like 6 57 or something like that. That's great. You get to show up a little early and then it feels even though it's not your party, if you're going to someone else's party, you get to take a little bit of ownership.
[00:22:18] Jeff: Yes. Uh, You know, I've had some clients that are like, yeah. You know, I was at my buddy's party and I was bartender for the night and that, yes, I got to circulate and meet all these new people because they felt like sort of a host to that party
[00:22:30] Nick: 100%. And that's in my book, actually, it's the idea of how you, as a host can delegate duties to your early arrivals.
[00:22:38] Nick: And so I suggest for anybody listening to this, if you have. Slight social anxiety, or if you don't know about going to events, show up on time. And when you get there, ask the host how you can help. And I love going to a party on time or slightly early, cuz I get to see the party form around me and it gives me more confidence and I get to start slower and build up the momentum of my own social skills as opposed to walking into just this wall of people and noise.
[00:23:06] Nick: And that takes a lot, that's hard to shift gears like that. Yeah.
[00:23:09] Jeff: So what about like the take the person who is like, okay Nick. Yeah. Yeah. I want to host my own party, but I'm a little self-conscious about my house or inviting people in my house. Cause I thought you had some really good thoughts in your book around Just totally like sidestepping and reframing kind of house anxiety.
[00:23:26] Nick: Yeah. I think that's a really good point about that. Reframing it. And I've helped over 55 people now host their first party and for 97% of people, their house is the best place to host. Maybe if you live in a shared family situation where you're caring for maybe an elder family member, and it's not possible, maybe if you don't have an elevator and you want your house to be wheelchair accessible, maybe then home isn't.
[00:23:54] Nick: But for most people, the home is correct. And I'll give you the best example. The best example of somebody who thinks their home is not correct, is someone who is perhaps an entrepreneur that projects an image of themselves that is perhaps slightly more successful than their living home situation. And they are embarrassed about the size of their house or the location or something.
[00:24:15] Nick: And the advice that I have to you about that is the act of hosting at home is such a vulnerable act that you actually create more emotional connection and buy in with all of your visitors, by welcoming them into your space. And they will show up to your house and they will not look around and say, oh, this place is tiny and leave your house and start a rival house party.
[00:24:44] Nick: They're not going to do that. It does not work. It does not happen. I worked with a woman in New Jersey who wanted to host her first party and she lived in a two bedroom apartment. And the reality was, she said, I am a little embarrassed that I live in an apartment and many of my friends have a house.
[00:25:01] Nick: And for years she had been saying, I'm gonna host. When I get the house. When I get the house, I work with somebody else who said, we're gonna host when we get the pool. As soon as we get the pool put in, then we're gonna host. I said, They're not coming for your house or your pool. People don't come over for that.
[00:25:18] Nick: They come over for you and they come over to meet people. And it's not about the fancy thing. So it is a mindset. And nobody's gonna dig through your guest bedroom and find that's where you stored all your junk. I keep junk around my house. You know what I do. I take some of these plastic tubs or I take an Amazon box and I literally pick up all the junk in my house.
[00:25:39] Nick: And I put it in one of those boxes and I throw it in a closet and my house looks tidy for at least a couple hours. yeah, my house is never cleaner than the 10 minutes before a party. Oh
[00:25:51] Jeff: yeah. Like, Sort of pre COVID when we would have people over, like, it was a great excuse for us to just do a nice clean, real quick, where it's just like, oh, everything was great.
[00:26:00] Jeff: And even for a while we had a housekeeper that would come and clean and it's funny because I would clean before they would get here. right. want them to see like, and it's their job to like, come over and clean. like, no, I'm over here cleaning as their car's pulling in. But yeah, there, there are a lot of options.
[00:26:14] Jeff: Like if you have a little disposable income, like hire a cleaner to come over, just clean it up so that you don't have to so that you can go do something else related to the party. Right.
[00:26:24] Nick: There's a 19 step pre-party checklist that I have online. Oh man, that any of your. Viewers or listeners can download the website is www.party.pro P-R-O.
[00:26:38] Nick: So www.party.pro and has a checklist of simple things you can do, like wipe down your curtains, put a candle on the bathroom. Here's something that I learned put away your bath towels that you use after you shower. You don't want people to be tempted to dry their hands on those. You don't wanna shower with that afterwards.
[00:26:56] Nick: They don't wanna dry their hands on those. Yeah. And so just put 'em away. So it's not even so it's in the bathroom and just hide those things. Simple stuff like that, that we can drill into the logistics and the extreme tactical nature, which the later. Sections in my book, but just the mental idea of hosting at home.
[00:27:14] Nick: And so briefly, I'll tell you why it's gonna work better for you. Number one, it's incredibly generous. When you host at home, it's vulnerable and it's generous. How is it generous? There's no tab. If you're thinking, oh, hosted at a bar, when now people have to pay for their drinks. They're not that thankful of you.
[00:27:31] Nick: Yes. You got people together, but you didn't give them anything. Versus now when you host at home, you get to give them a drink. It's small, but what's the cost of a drink at a bar, $5, $10. You're giving them these small gifts that for you, they cost much less anyhow. So it's very generous and you get to control the environment when you're out at a bar, there's all these other people.
[00:27:52] Nick: Who's part of the party. Who's not part of the party. Yeah, so I feel very strongly that this type of event has to happen at home. It's more intimate as well. Yeah,
[00:28:00] Jeff: absolutely. So when people arrive you're handing out name tags,
[00:28:03] Jeff: correct?
[00:28:04] Nick: Yes, I'm very passionate about this as well. Okay.
[00:28:07] Jeff: I'm gonna give it, I'm gonna give you a soapbox and you can stand on it and you can shout from the mountain tops about name tags.
[00:28:14] Nick: So we have to think when we invite people that we're trying to make it a safe space for the introverts and for shy people and name tags, help with that so much by removing just one thing of having to memorize, oh my God, there's 15 people at this party. What was their name? And you're trying to be present in the conversation.
[00:28:32] Nick: And you're also like, oh my God, I forgot this person's name. I'm so embarrassed. I hope they don't use my name. And then I have to use their name. Name tags also serve as a visual unifier for everybody at your party. That you're all on the same team that this isn't a party where there's clicks. Can you imagine you go to somebody's house, you don't really know anybody, but the host you're like, oh, do they all know each other from work or something?
[00:28:56] Nick: Well, now the name tag creates the safe space that it's okay to go up and speak to new people. And it's just like wearing a Jersey on a sports team. When you all wear that same one, you feel together like you're a part of something. Yes, it's cheesy. Yes. It's silly to do it at a house party, but the way that you'll get around any resistance in doing it is mention in the name tag in the event.
[00:29:18] Nick: RSVP. And I even do it in the invitation sometimes. So I'll say, come hang out, meet some new friends. I'm having a party where we're gonna have some drinks. I'll have name tags, cuz I'm bad with names and we'll do a few rounds of ice breakers. So we all can meet some new people. I use this and I set the expectation in the invitation.
[00:29:41] Nick: In the reminder messages, which we have to talk about that, but I set this expectation so that when somebody shows up, there is no surprise that there will be name tags, and there is zero resistance. When you set the expectations, you get the resistance when you spring it on them, when you surprise them, Hey, we're gonna do name tags.
[00:30:00] Nick: Like what, why am I doing name tags? Right. It feels weird if they don't know. Yeah.
[00:30:05] Jeff: I love that. I'm a huge fan of setting, good expectations. And and the more times you mention it, the easier it's gonna be. So name tags are an absolute must. So where we're at in our party, we've got our core five. Yeah, we've got the additional ones that add up to 15.
[00:30:20] Jeff: We've got our name tag. So something that I loved in your book was Two rounds of icebreakers. You
may do more, you may do less, but like having those two rounds of icebreakers as people arrived to the party helped to just kind of level everything out. So I would love if you could talk about that.
[00:30:35] Nick: So here's the thing, have you ever been to a party and you don't know who to talk to? There's all these people there and you're like, okay, I guess I will talk to the people that I bump into that like, now it's up to me to go up and just guess like, okay, this person looks interesting, I guess. Or like, while I'm getting a drink, I'll make small talk next to the person.
[00:30:55] Nick: And that's fine. That's what I call like unstructured time. And that happens, and that will still happen at this party. But at my party, you'll use two to three icebreakers where you very quickly circle everybody up and it's like a short survey of the room and it's not to see, like who's more important.
[00:31:12] Nick: It's just to give you an idea of who maybe you wanna talk to and to give your guests and excuse to start some new conversations, however, There's also a secret feature of the icebreakers. The icebreakers allow your guests to end their conversations. Have you ever been at a party and you get stuck talking to somebody and you're like, I'm done with this conversation.
[00:31:34] Nick: Like, I don't wanna be an ass, but like I'm done.
[00:31:37] Jeff: And you're thinking at the time, I'm like, I'm gonna die of old age in this conversation. yes. Like this is my final resting place. Is this conversation? Yes.
[00:31:44] Nick: Yes. This is it. Well, when you lead these icebreakers and you make these interruptions during your party, you give your guests the opportunity to graciously end those and new hosts.
[00:31:54] Nick: Oftentimes. Mentally struggle with this. They're like, huh? Why do I wanna interrupt? Look at everybody. They're talking. Well, I'll tell you what the best conversations, the good ones they will reform later on. Someone will say okay, that's fine. Like, let's do the icebreaker. And then those really good ones, they will find each other out and they will come back together.
[00:32:13] Jeff: It's kind of
[00:32:13] Jeff: like just a little mini party reset. Okay. Everyone, we're gonna do an ice breaker in one minute. Yeah. Or something like that. And everyone's like this. And some people are like, oh my God, thank you. cause you just gave him a life preserver in an ocean of a rambler.
[00:32:27] Nick: Right, right, right.
[00:32:28] Nick: That's exactly what it is. I love that idea. Of a party reset that's kind of what this is, and you give people an excuse to graciously end. So I oftentimes do that. I'll make a short announcement, I'll say, Hey everybody, we're gonna do a round of ice breakers in about three minutes. If you wanna grab a drink, grab a refill, use the restroom three minutes.
[00:32:46] Nick: We're gonna do a quick round of ice breakers. So at the party itself, it's a two hour event you'll lead three icebreakers. The first one is about 10 to 15 minutes after your first guest arrive when there's only maybe four or five people there, and you do this practice icebreaker to get out of the awkward zone.
[00:33:04] Nick: The awkward zone is that first 10, 15, 20 minutes. When there's not enough momentum, there's not enough people there to have that energy in the. And so when there are about five people you'll lead around icebreakers and that literally breaks the ice to get people to start some new conversations. The second is the same exact icebreakers.
[00:33:23] Nick: The first time. My favorite one, I can talk about that too, if you wanna know, but you lead the same icebreaker, but now with everybody at your party. So for your party, that starts at seven, you'll do that second icebreaker at about seven 30 and then you'll do the third and final icebreaker about 45 minutes later, or so about 8:15, 8:20.
[00:33:42] Nick: And you'll lead that last icebreaker. And that one's a little bit longer. People are warmed up, they've made some new connections, they're ready to be a little bit more giving in their answers. And you also do a group photo at that time. I go into all these details exactly. When to do the group photo, which icebreakers do you use?
[00:34:00] Nick: And things like. Nice.
[00:34:02] Nick: I love kind of the overarching structure of like, most of the party is gonna be organic and people are gonna be talking, but you've got these chapters to the party. Yes. Where you're like, okay, we do this. Then we do this. Then we do the picture. And it gives people like that good memory of like, yeah, it was probably unlike any party that they've ever
[00:34:18] Nick: been to.
[00:34:20] Nick: That's what I hear from people. I hear that from a lot of people who host my party and I've worked with 55 other people so far, I'm trying to get to 500. That's my goal. But 55 people I've read my book and they've hosted their first party. And they hear that from, they say, wow, I've never been to a party like that.
[00:34:35] Nick: That was so much fun. And what people start to ask is when is your next one? Yeah. And what I'm trying to show people is anybody can do this and you will be the type of person where people ask you, when's your next party? Like, just think what, like, what would your life be like that if people were asking you begging you to host another party.
[00:34:53] Nick: Yeah.
[00:34:53] Jeff: Like, something that you mentioned in the book is, and I wrote a note here. Serendipity, right? Like you've had people get job offers through parties you know, clients connections. Yeah. So there's a concept called the I think it's called like the surface area of luck. People have said this a bunch of different ways.
[00:35:11] Jeff: James clear has a really good quote. That's like, the person who only takes one shot, they have everything has to go. Because they only got that one shot. The person takes a hundred shots. Yeah. They're gonna score some points. Like it's going to happen. It's inevitable because they're, they've, they're putting forth effort and there's a lot of opportunity.
[00:35:30] Jeff: And so for every party you throw, you never know who who may come with a friend, you know, could be anything. Yes. And you're, you might meet I know you're hoping for like your first marriage out of the parties that you've thrown so they, people might meet their next their next spouse.
[00:35:45] Jeff: Their only spouse you know, the love of their life. They may meet an amazing business connection. They may just meet a really cool person who ends up being a lifelong friend. So that serendipity piece of it is worth trying it. If for no other reason, you know, leave out the, I want to build my social skills.
[00:36:00] Jeff: That'll happen as a byproduct of this experience that you're creating for people think of the connections that you get to build over and.
[00:36:08] Jeff: There
[00:36:08] Nick: was some research that showed that we find out about most new opportunities in life, through a concept called our weak ties or our loose connections. These are more of our acquaintances than our friends and the parties that I specialize in.
[00:36:24] Nick: And that I teach people how to host are really to build your network of acquaintances there, to nurture and build that because new job opportunities, new investments, new romantic partners, new fun things to do. It's often these people that are on the tertiary, the edge of our network, I don't know if I'm using the right words, but it's those people that are not the closest ones to us.
[00:36:47] Nick: Right. But we find out about these new opportunities from these loose connections or these weak ties. And these types of parties are a great way for you to build your network of those people.
[00:36:58] Jeff: I love it. And so a couple of things I wanna talk about with the time that we have, one is how to gracefully end a party.
[00:37:05] Jeff: Because one of the things that I cover with my students is how to kind of gracefully end a conversation because having that exit strategy really helps add to the whole comfort of everything. And I thought you had a great strategy for having a smooth segue at the end of a party.
[00:37:20] Nick: Yeah. I think just like the name tags setting, the expectation that your party will be a two hour event by setting in the event, invitation both a start time and an end time, have you ever been invited to like a Memorial day barbecue or something?
[00:37:35] Nick: And it says it starts at four o'clock and there's no end time. Yeah. And you're. Well, it starts at four. I'm obviously not gonna show up till five and then like, we probably won't eat till six and then like, God, it's gonna go to, like, this is the rest of my life. This is the rest of my life. I'm gonna die here.
[00:37:51] Nick: And so similarly, by setting the expectation in the invitation that you're hosting a two hour party by leaving a start and an end time, people know that it's kind of, and so I will make an announcement 15 minutes before the scheduled end time. That's like a last call where I thank everybody for coming.
[00:38:08] Nick: And I'll say something like, Hey everybody, thank you so much for coming. It's 8 45. I said the party would go till nine. So if you wanna grab a last drink, say, Hey, is somebody new that you didn't get a chance to meet with? We'll start to wrap up here soon. And then around nine o'clock, you know, I have a whole strategy.
[00:38:24] Nick: Then I mentioned this in my book in chapter 13, about at nine o'clock, you know, you're gonna turn the music down, turn the lights up. Thank everybody. Again. There's a little activity. I do a little cheer, which sounds so ridiculous and so goofy, but I promise you, it works just like the harmonica that I talk about in the party.
[00:38:43] Nick: These things sound silly and they sound goofy, but they're memorable and people will give you the space as a host. And so we'll do something or you can just thank them for coming and then kind of start to tidy up and people will make their way out. You could also, you know, if people are still hanging around, play the song closing time, of course that's why they wrote it.
[00:39:02] Nick: that's why they wrote it. Right. Just to give them really the hand. It is time to. Yeah,
[00:39:07] Jeff: I love it. And that easy segue, like if people are still hanging out, like if you can suggest other venues that they might go to, I know that you wrote about that as well. Yep. But yeah, like cheesy stuff, I get harmonica it's memorable and I guarantee you no one, no, one's heard a, like an announcement at a party with a harmonica before.
[00:39:25] Jeff: And so it works. It adds to the whole experience. And it I would imagine that it also helps you end on a high note, right. Instead of waiting for all the energy to be gone.
[00:39:35] Nick: Yes. It's exactly that it's ending your party. Like you wanna pop a balloon. It's a difference between popping a balloon or letting the air slowly empty out of a balloon and get all saggy.
[00:39:45] Nick: You wanna end it with intention. And many times there'll be an effort for somebody to say, oh, let's keep going. Let's keep going on. Or my favorite is someone will say, dude, I haven't talked to you all night. Like, you're the host. I wanna hang out, come on. People are leaving. Let's talk in a very specific.
[00:40:03] Nick: Tactical thing, because I recommend people for your first party. It on time, take time, like this is a marathon, not a sprint. And so I'll tell people if somebody is doing that and they're trying to talk to you at the end of your party, when you wanna end for your own self care, you say, Hey, I am so glad that you wanna chat.
[00:40:22] Nick: I would love to catch up, but I need to clean up now and I need to get ready for work tomorrow. I would love though, to connect. Can I call you tomorrow or maybe on the weekend? And can we have a phone call or maybe can we meet up for a cup of coffee? And what you do is you acknowledge that person who wants to connect with you and you say, I want this to happen, this connection.
[00:40:43] Nick: I just have to do it in the future. Cuz right now I'm doing. And EV I've used that more than a hundred times that I've never had a negative reaction. I love it.
[00:40:52] Jeff: You're acknowledging the person's feelings. You're setting up some kind of plan. Yeah, that's it. I love it. Yeah. Now you, you mentioned a few minutes ago about.
[00:41:01] Jeff: I think it was the party reminders that yes. You wanted to talk about. I think that might be a really good point because I know there, there could be some anxiety of like, yeah, if I send out the invitations, like how do I make sure that people come
[00:41:13] Nick: and that's the biggest thing, right? I'll so much of my party plan in handbook involves making sure that you're gonna have a great attendance.
[00:41:20] Nick: And then 90% of the work is done because the little secret is once you reach that magic space around 15 to 20 people, it's actually much less work for you as a host. And so one of the reasons I don't like dinner parties, because with six people. I have to do a lot of work. I have to carry the conversation.
[00:41:36] Nick: I have to feed everybody. I have to carry the whole night with 15 to 20 people at your party. New conversations are forming. Nobody gets a chance to talk to every single individual. So there's a lot of new connections happening. Let's talk about the reminder messages real quick for you to host a successful event and a party.
[00:41:55] Nick: You need everybody to show up and for them to show up, you have to keep your event top of mind. And so you're gonna send three reminder messages. The ones that I suggest and that I use is I send a message one week before the party, I send a message three days before the party, and I send a message the morning of the party.
[00:42:13] Nick: And in that reminder message in the last two, I include my secret weapon, which is called guest bios. That ramps up really the attendance ratio and the excitement. And it gives people new ideas on who to talk to. And if you'll allow me, that's the one thing. That I will sort of ask people to send me an email about or something, and I'll send you the details or I have a beautiful blog in depth article.
[00:42:38] Nick: That's on my website about guest bios and why for any event that you host, you need to be using them.
[00:42:44] Jeff: Yeah. And if you're good with it, I can include that link to that. Yeah. Please blog post in the show notes for sure. Great. Uh, And are you sending out these. Is this emails that you're sending
[00:42:54] Nick: or I like to send out emails.
[00:42:56] Nick: Okay. I think emails, I put everybody on BCC. I don't like to use the event platforms because oftentimes your messages will go into the promotions folder. Right. And so I do like to go in all of the event platforms, I suggest will allow you to download a CSV of all your attendees and their email addresses.
[00:43:14] Nick: And that's another reason that we collect RSVPs to get people's email addresses. Some people like to do this on text message. I don't like to do the stuff on text message. I can't include all the relevant info. I don't want people replying back on a thread. Right. I like to send emails. Cool. Yeah.
[00:43:30] Jeff: Easy enough.
[00:43:31] Jeff: So one, one final point that I wanted to bring up that blew my mind. As soon as I read it, I was like, well, duh is why should you. Maybe throw away all the chairs in your house for the night of the party
[00:43:46] Nick: sitting down is Kryptonite to a successful event. And here's why at a good event, you want it to be easy to go up and talk to new people.
[00:43:56] Nick: And whenever I go to something where people are seated, it's very intimidating to start and break into that conversation. And people get stuck in conversation. It's very hard to bump around the room and to end a conversation when you're seated is even more difficult and being seated really sucks the energy out of a room and it makes your icebreakers go so much longer.
[00:44:18] Nick: A good icebreaker is a fast icebreaker. And so sitting down while it can be very helpful for one-on-one conversations and for dinners and for a chance to build a deep relationship for these types of parties, where the goal is for your guests. By the way I didn't even mention this. Your party will be a success because all of your guests are gonna get to meet so many new, interesting people, not from their social circle.
[00:44:45] Nick: So that's why this is a success for people to come and attend this party that you'll host. They'll get to meet so many new people. And these days it's very hard to meet new people for adults. Nobody teaches adults how to make new friends. Maybe you meet people at work. Yeah, but most people just don't meet a lot of new people.
[00:45:04] Jeff: I love it. And this completely turns the one of the objections to someone hosting at their house on its head. Oh, I don't have enough chairs. Well, good. You're in the perfect environment. In fact, the chairs that you do have put them somewhere where the guests can't sit on them.
[00:45:18] Nick: Yes, exactly.
[00:45:19] Nick: Oh my gosh. That's the funny thing. Oh, I can't have a party cuz I don't have enough chairs. That's perfect. Hide
[00:45:26] Jeff: your chairs. Hide em. Hide. 'em chop 'em up. Yeah, so you've just given us so many great nuggets. Where can someone go to, to get your book, to learn more about ho hosting great parties.
[00:45:41] Nick: We'd be happy to share about this.
[00:45:43] Nick: I just launched my book. I'm gonna hold up the cover of it here. It's called the two hour cocktail party. You can buy it online. Wherever books are sold, you can buy it in Kindle. I think it's about $7. You can buy. This version, I have a satisfaction guarantee on the book. And if you buy this and you think that it's not valuable, then I'm happy to send you your money back.
[00:46:03] Nick: Send me an email. You can look me up online. I feel very strongly about this, but the name of the website, the two hour cocktail party, my name is Nick Gray. Then I built a whole website that lists some of the key concepts and articles and shows a bunch of case studies of other people that have read my book and hosted their party with photos of how the parties looked and things like that.
[00:46:23] Nick: You can find that at www.Party.pro, and on that website too, you can download a two page PDF that lists both the checklist of 19 things to do before you host your first event and an executive summary that lists all the high level things in my book. So download that it's a free download and I hope that you'll check out my book.
[00:46:50] Jeff: Yeah. And. For anyone that's thinking about hosting a party or listening to this, and they're saying, yeah, I think I can do that. You can do it. Nick makes it as easy. I mean, the only thing easy would be like, if Nick like inhabited your body and like moved you around, like took you to the grocery store and bought things like this is as easy as it's ever going to get to host a party.
[00:47:10] Jeff: And a lot of the fears or anxieties or objections you might have Nick, just take some T and he blows 'em up.
[00:47:15] Nick: And I've listed even the exact scripts and the exact text messages that I send to my friends and the exact reminder messages. They're all in the book. So you have the scripts of exactly what to say from three weeks before your party to invite the first person to what to say, literally the script for the first people who arrive and then to how to finish the party and how to close it on time.
[00:47:38] Jeff: Nick, I, is there anything else that, that you feel like we, I mean, there's probably a lot that we didn't talk about, but I, is there anything that we haven't talked about that you feel like we should any final wisdom or tips when it comes to hosting a great party?
[00:47:52] Nick: I think I just encourage your listeners to know that I moved to New York.
[00:47:57] Nick: I didn't have a lot of friends. I wasn't, as you know, you hear me talking now excited and I can speak a lot about this. That wasn't how I started. I was not very. Social in high school or in college, I hardly had a girlfriend in college and I now am somebody who just hosts events and hosting parties and events is a skill.
[00:48:16] Nick: Just like anything that you can get good at people aren't born natural hosts. They do it because they were raised in environments. I've hosted hundreds of parties now, and I've written down everything I've learned so that you don't have to make the mistakes that I did along the way. Like, you know, spending too much on decorations, which doesn't matter.
[00:48:35] Nick: Nobody cares about that stuff.
[00:48:38] Jeff: I love it. Well, Nick I appreciate you taking the time to walk us through this and I wish you nothing but success when it comes to your book. And I'll definitely report back when I have my own.
[00:48:48] Nick: Thank you. I can't wait. I can't wait to help you. It's gonna be big.
Comments are closed.
I'm Jeff.
I'll help you supercharge your people skills so that you can have a more fulfilling career,
business & social life.
Over the last 15 years, I’ve learned... (Read More)
I'll help you supercharge your people skills so that you can have a more fulfilling career,
business & social life.
Over the last 15 years, I’ve learned... (Read More)
Popular Posts
• 5 Ways a Communication Coach Can Help You Become a Better Communicator
• The Ultimate Guide To Joining & Enjoying Group Conversations
• How to Never Run Out of Things to Say
• The Ultimate Guide To Joining & Enjoying Group Conversations
• How to Never Run Out of Things to Say
Topics
All
Become More Compelling Radio
Building Rapport
Charisma
Coaching
Conversation Advice
First Impressions
Networking
Podcast
Practical Philosophy
Social Advice
Starting Conversations
