Confidence-Maxxing

How to Crush Awkwardness, Build Social Confidence, and Become Unforgettable

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Chapter 1: You Can Just Change Things

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you’re not going to stay where you are.”

—J.P. Morgan

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I remember being a freshman in college. Two times per week, I would go to my mass media and communications class, and I sat right next to this girl.

When I say we sat next to each other, we shared a table together. We were about eight inches apart for an entire semester. I wanted nothing more than to start a conversation with her.

Before every class, I would say to myself, *"*Okay, this is the time. I'm going to say something."

During every class, I was thinking, "Wow, you are so stupid. I can't believe that you can't do something as simple as start a conversation." “Just open your mouth.” “How hard is it to open your mouth?!”

After every class, I felt more pressure because it seemed like it would be an even bigger deal to start a conversation after not having started a conversation with her.

It was maddening because I knew I was capable of doing what I wanted to do socially. I just didn't feel able to in the moment.

Before I tell you what happened with her, let me ask you this: have you ever felt a similar battle in your head when you wanted to do something that required more social confidence than you currently had?

Could be going to a new event in your city, speaking up in a meeting at work, or making new friends?

The struggle is real, and it’s more difficult than it used to be!

In 1990, 55% of American men had six or more close friends. Just over 30 years later, that number has dropped to 27%.

Even more alarming: 15% of men now say they don’t have a single close friend. That’s five times higher than it used to be.

Women aren’t immune either. In 1990, 41% had six or more close friends. Now? Just 24%. And 10% of women say they have none at all.

As I said in the introduction, in many ways, connecting with others and being more socially confident is harder than it has ever been in history.

But the good news is that if you don't feel socially confident right now, it's something you can absolutely learn.

Now, I don't know your exact story, but after talking to thousands of people who have wanted to build more social confidence since 2014, I bet I can get close to it.

What parts of the following ring true for you?

• You've caught yourself grading an interaction while you're still in it. One part of you is trying to listen, but another part is already handing out a failing report card.

• You leave conversations feeling drained. Sometimes, nothing in particular goes horribly wrong, but you feel drained because you're already dissecting every moment. Did you sound weird? Did you talk too much? Was that silence normal? You put it all under a microscope until even the parts that went fine start to feel off.

• You feel tired of stacking regrets. Relationships, promotions, friendships that you could have gone after but didn't. People you could have connected with but didn't. You still remember the way some of those moments felt, the quiet missed opportunities that you let slip away.

• You want people to feel comfortable around you. You want to feel comfortable around people. But in your head, there's this fear: What if I say something dumb? What if I misread the situation? What if they think I'm boring?

• Sometimes, late at night, you wonder if this is just how it's going to be. Maybe you weren't meant to be someone who's comfortable and confident socially. And even though you try not to believe that, the thought still lingers.

• And somewhere deep down, there's something bigger. You don't want to wake up in ten years feeling like you've been holding your life at arm's length. You want good people in your life. You want friendships. Maybe you want a romantic partner. You want a good career. But you're afraid that you might stay stuck long enough that all that passes you by, and then you'll have to make peace with a life that has been un-lived.

I Don't Want That to Be How Your Story Ends

Right now, this very moment when you're holding this book in your hands, this is where your story gets interesting.

You don't have to stay stuck. You can learn to be better with people. You can learn to have better conversations. You can learn to overcome awkward moments. You can learn how to start conversations with anyone. You can go out and explore your city.

You can be interesting, and you can also be interested. You can tell great stories, and you can become more socially confident. And I'm going to show you how, just like I've shown over 100 clients. (More on them later.)

You can just change things.

Here's a high level view of what the Confidence-Maxxing system looks like.

Phase One: Your Social Operating System

First, we're going to update your mental software for how you think about interacting with people.

This will fundamentally change the version of you that you bring into every social interaction for the rest of your life.

You'll focus on the right things and won't view situations negatively.

You'll rebound from awkward moments quickly, and you won't have an inner jerk that criticizes everything you do socially.

For some, these first few chapters may be the most important they will ever read.

Phase Two: IRL-Maxxing and Staying Consistent

You can have all the skills in the world, but if you don’t have opportunities to practice, guess what? You won’t improve.

In chapter 6, we’ll cover how to do two things:

• How to spot opportunities to practice in your daily life that you might be ignoring.

• How to create the right opportunities to practice every week. (And what types of opportunities to avoid.)

This will help you find the right events to go to so that you can practice the skills you’ll learn in this book. The more reps you get, the faster you will improve.

In chapter 7, we’ll tackle something that most books in the category ignore: what to do after the high of motivation wears off and you feel like quitting. What you’ll learn in that chapter might just change your life.

Phase Three: Conversation Skills

We'll cover the right way to start a conversation and why it's not nearly as complicated as you might think.

We'll explore how to enter conversations with the right amount of energy and avoid accidentally killing the vibe.

We'll also examine why the second thing you say is more important than the first thing you say when starting a conversation.

Additionally, we'll talk about how the social answers you seek are in the environment, waiting for you to uncover them.

After that, we'll cover how to avoid running out of things to say. If you've ever struggled with your mind going blank and conversations fizzling out, then this section will ensure that is never a problem for you again.

We'll discuss how to think around the current topic so that you always have something to say.

I'll show you how to switch on “easy mode” in conversations and craft rich responses to common questions that allow the other person to extend the conversation. This is great because it means there's less effort on your part.

We'll talk about the right questions to ask in order to learn more about people. We'll even discuss how to be interesting and how to learn about various topics so you can connect with a wider variety of individuals.

After that, we'll cover how to tell compelling stories using my storytelling framework. You'll never be scrambling for a story to tell at a dinner party again.

We'll even cover the right amount of preparation you should do before any social event, which means you can spend more time enjoying the event and less time trying to game out conversations before they happen.

Phase Four: Friendship-Maxxing

In chapter 15, we’ll discuss how to bridge the gap between acquaintance and friend so you can start to grow your social circle.

We’ll cover the five waypoints on the “Friendship Line” and how you can move people from one waypoint to another.

(I recently shared this chapter with a client and he was blown away. He furiously took notes on our call, saying that he wished he had been taught this lesson ten years ago.)

Phase Five, The Roadmap

We’ll close the book with a 30,000-foot overview. Think of that final chapter like a cheat sheet. When you refer back to this book, you’ll probably flip to that chapter first.

You’ll get the steps, you’ll get a way to practice without accidentally burning yourself out, and you’ll get a distillation of everything I know, two decades on a page in the form of 20 lessons.

The end of each chapter will include tasks for you to complete.

These tasks will be small in nature, but they will accumulate over time. This approach will enable you to build social confidence and competence consistently.

Simply put, if you do what I tell you to do in the following chapters of this book, you will improve whether you want to or not.

You are building what I think of as the "Confidence Stack": many individual skills that layer together in a self-reinforcing loop and add up to more than the sum of their parts.

The 21-Day Confidence-Maxxing Challenge

It’s at the end of the book, and it will give you 21 small actions to take over (you guessed it) 21 days to help you put what you learn in this book into rapid action without overthinking.

“Wait… Where’s the Chapter on Confidence?”

You might’ve noticed something as you read through the Confidence-Maxxing system.

There’s no chapter called “How to Be Confident.” That’s not a mistake.

Confidence is the downstream result of stacking specific skills, getting quality reps, and staying consistent over time.

That’s why there isn’t one chapter on confidence. This entire book is about confidence.

You’ll build it the way real confidence has always been built:

Skills + Reps + Time = Confidence

The skills you’ll learn in this book work together. When you stack them, practice them, and repeat them over time, confidence automatically happens.

That’s what this book is about.

This is the chapter on confidence.

So is the next one.

And the one after that.

You get it.

Next, let’s answer the most important question that might be floating around in your mind.

How Do I Know This Works?

Because I've helped over a hundred clients improve their social confidence.

So if you have a little voice in the back of your mind whispering, "How do I know this works for anyone?" what I always say is: You should not take my word for it. You should take my clients' words for it.

Here are some of the results I've helped my clients achieve by walking them through the exact system that you're going to learn in this book. They come from all walks of life and every corner of the world.

Typically, my clients either want more social confidence at work to accelerate their career, or in their personal life to expand their social circle.

So I split up these case studies into two buckets. Work and personal.

From Overthinking to Confidence in Conversations

These clients were sharp, thoughtful, and capable, but conversations still felt harder than they needed to. Once they stopped getting in their own way, everything got easier and they started making more friends and more connections.

Phil’s Story

Phil is a software engineer. He realized something a lot of people miss: technical skills can only take you so far. If you can’t speak up in a meeting or hold a conversation without overthinking it, work is going to be harder than it needs to be. Life is going to be harder, too.

What helped Phil the most was shifting his mindset. Once he stopped trying to say the perfect thing, everything got easier.

“I realized I could just relax and use what I learned,” Phil told me. “Everything started to feel smoother and more enjoyable.”

Now, whether he's in a meeting or chatting with a barista, conversations feel natural. There’s less pressure. Life is easier and more fun.

Dustin’s Story

Dustin wanted to push himself socially. He had two big events on the calendar (a wedding and a bachelor party). He didn’t want to spend those weekends stuck in his head, overthinking everything he said. He wanted to feel confident walking into the room and starting conversations naturally.

The biggest change came from building momentum. Instead of freezing up or second-guessing himself, he started trusting the tools he had (cough…the same tools you’ll learn in this book…cough).

“It was amazing,” Dustin said. “To be able to use the tools and the strategies in a real-life situation was incredible. Having both of those be a smashing success, I would definitely consider big wins.”

The wins didn’t stop there. Since then, he’s made it a habit to speak up more and connect with people on a regular basis. Social situations feel more natural. The kind of thing he actually looks forward to.

Trudy’s Story

Trudy already had a strong foundation, but she knew her communication skills could be sharper. The biggest thing holding her back from feeling more socially confident was the negative voice in her head.

“That was something that was holding me back from being able to develop all these other skills,” she said. “I can now speak up in meetings and can have difficult conversations, and that is a skill that is actually something that can be developed and something that can be learned and worked on.”

Once Trudy learned how to quiet that voice, everything got easier. She stopped getting in her own way. These were skills she’d always wanted, and now they’re part of how she works and lives.

Francis’s Story

Francis works as a writer and copywriter. But for a long time, he felt like his confidence wasn’t keeping up with everything else in his life. He’d overthink conversations. He would even avoid social situations he knew he’d enjoy.

That started to shift when he stopped waiting to feel confident and started taking action instead.

“I was able to really kind of chat with him for a good hour and a half,” Francis said, talking about a recent win at an Oscars party. “That was something I wouldn’t have had the confidence to do three months before.”

Now, he’s building momentum, having more and better conversations, and feeling more confident in every single interaction.

Faiz’s Story

When it came to Faiz’s social life, something was missing. He had casual friends, but those relationships didn’t feel as close as he wanted. He also wanted to meet more people but didn’t know how to make that happen.

The biggest shift came from how he thought about mind reading.

“If there's one thing I've learned, it's you can't read other people's minds and no one can read your mind.”

Once he let go of mind-reading, conversations felt easier. He started listening more, telling better stories, and using humor in a way that fit him. He stopped worrying so much about what he thought people thought. And that made it easier to connect with everyone in his life.

Felix’s Story

Felix always felt a little behind when it came to people skills.

His upbringing and lifestyle hadn’t given him many chances to build social confidence, and for a long time, he figured he’d catch up eventually.

At a certain point, he realized that waiting wasn’t going to help. If he wanted to get better, he used the same lessons that are in this book. Those lessons changed everything.

“I went to meetup groups alone, introduced myself to strangers, chatted with them, and actually had a good time,” Felix told me. “That’s something I wouldn’t have fathomed before committing to working on myself.”

Over time, Felix showed himself frequent proof of his success, and that led to him feeling more socially confident than he’d felt in his entire life.

Victor’s Story

Like a lot of people focused on running a business, Victor spent so much time in his head that everyday conversations started to feel harder than they used to.

He wanted to feel more comfortable talking with people. Starting conversations, keeping them going, and not overthinking every step. What helped most was rebuilding a sense of comfort. That competence led to confidence.

“The wins that I felt I got out of it were how to keep the conversation going instead of slipping back into my head, which for me was always the easiest thing to do.”

At first, even saying hi to someone felt like a task. But he kept at it. He stopped seeing social interactions as something to avoid and started seeing them as investments. Some would lead somewhere. Some wouldn’t. He kept going. Over time, that effort paid off.

Confidence That Actually Works at Work

These clients wanted to speak up more in meetings and have a bigger impact at work without second-guessing themselves.

Julien’s Story

Julien works in tech. He’s smart, driven, and great at what he does.

But after years of focusing on technical skills, he noticed a gap. Julien struggled to explain things in a way that clicked for other people. Friends would sometimes miss his point. Meetings would go silent after he spoke. Promotions never came, and he couldn’t figure out why.

What made the difference was learning to treat communication as a skill, not something you either have or don’t, but a quality you build over time.

“All of a sudden, I'm getting not only compliments from my manager for the work and for the energy that I'm putting towards advocating for myself, but it's actually translating into real money.” Julien said. “This year, I actually got a 10% salary bonus and an increase as well, which is just unheard of.”

He started expressing himself more clearly at work. He felt more confident sharing his wins instead of waiting for others to notice. The results came fast, and they kept stacking.

Julia’s Story

Julia wanted to feel more confident speaking up, especially at work. In meetings, She’d sit on mute, unsure how to jump in or add some thoughts of her own.

That started to shift when she began practicing what you’ll learn in this book.

“I was pretty much your classic ‘sit in the back and stay quiet’ type,” Julia said. “Now I’m actually starting conversations in meetings. I throw my ideas out and people get it. We bounce ideas back and forth. It’s a completely different experience.”

Now she speaks up early in meetings. She shares her perspective in a way that’s easy for others to respond to. Small, consistent practice made it easier to stop overthinking and start contributing.

Ajibola’s Story

Ajibola wanted to feel heard. His ideas were good, but they weren’t getting the credit they deserved. Meetings felt like an uphill climb. Either he got talked over, or things got tense when he pushed back.

What he really wanted was to communicate with more ease and more confidence.

The biggest shift came from learning how to control the meaning he gave to conversations. (Something you’ll learn in chapter 3!)

“Somebody might say something that I can take two ways,” he said. “Typically, I’d go negative. But I’ve learned I can actually take their words as positive and not let it affect my psyche.”

That one shift had a big ripple effect. Meetings became easier. He connected better with his team. And he even started getting more credit for his work.

Doug’s Story

Like a lot of people in technical roles, Doug wanted more influence, especially on work calls where big decisions were being made.

The lightbulb moment came when he started thinking less about what to say, and more about how people felt during the conversation.

“Everyone’s the star of their own movie,” Doug said. “If I can get in that mindset, everything else is going to fall into place.”

That one insight changed everything. He started asking better questions and paying attention to how people responded. Whether it’s with coworkers on Zoom or strangers in an airport, conversations feel easier and more natural now.

Alex’s Story

Alex had reached a point in his career where things were going well. He was leading teams, managing projects, and working with all kinds of people. But in daily conversations at work he wasn’t getting the results he wanted.

What helped most was making a plan for how he wanted to approach those situations confidently.

“I wanted to be a warm, positive influence. Sometimes I was, but a lot of the time, I wasn’t actually showing that. Making specific plans helped me bring that version of myself into more conversations.”

He started thinking about each interaction ahead of time. What did he want to communicate? What kind of energy did he want to bring into the room? That kind of preparation changed everything. He started getting job interviews from some of the most prestigious organizations in the world.

(Another) Dustin’s Story

Dustin is a charter fishing guide on the bayou. Before he started using the tools in this book, conversations with his clients felt clunky. There were awkward stops and starts, and he wasn’t always sure how to keep things moving.

That changed once he got a system. One of his favorite lessons is something you’ll learn in chapter 10.

“You have a topic, and you learn how to branch off from it,” Dustin said. “You learn how to thread things together and keep it going. Even if there’s an awkward silence, you know how to handle it and move forward.”

These days, conversations feel smoother.

Dustin feels relaxed talking with people because he knows what to do when things slow down. A little smart preparation goes a long way. That structure helped him stop overthinking and enjoy conversations out on the water more.

So yes, what you’ll learn in this book works. (And you’ll hear from more clients later in the book. Just know that I’ve anonymized identifying details about them to protect their privacy.)

Wait, what’s that?

“But Jeff, how do I know this will work for me?”

Glad you asked!

Let’s dig deeper. I’ll answer some common questions about Confidence-Maxxing, FAQ style.

Isn’t working on your people skills kind of fake? I don’t want to be fake!

Working on your people skills isn't fake. What you learn in this book will help you showcase who you are underneath the (possibly false) exterior of not speaking up and hiding the real, more socially confident you.

I’ve struggled with this for years, can I really change?

Yes, you can absolutely change, even if you've struggled for years. Your past does not equal your future. If you apply the principles in this book and actively seek out opportunities to practice, you will improve.

What if I’m just not a naturally social person?

It's okay if you are not naturally a social person! In fact, I would wager that every person reading this book would not call themselves a natural. The people who consider themselves naturals simply learned these skills earlier in life. The key thing is that we learn things when we learn them, and you always have the option to change.

I’m introverted. Do I have to become more outgoing for this to work?

I have introverted clients that are using the system you will learn in this book with great success. A better way to think about this is that you will naturally become more outgoing (in your own way) as a result of feeling competent and, as a byproduct, feeling confident in social situations.

I’ve tried reading articles and watching videos, but nothing sticks. What makes this different?

I've found that most of the advice out there is either too vague or too complex and overwhelming. My approach in this book is that I will lay out a simple, step-by-step blueprint for you to follow (which I’ve already outlined above). This blueprint will include specific tasks for you to complete, making it much easier to stick with than it has ever been before. The best system is one you use and stick with. That’s what this book is.

I don’t want to memorize scripts. Will this help me sound natural in conversations?

Good, because I don't want you to memorize a bunch of unnatural scripts either! At the end of the day, what matters more than scripts is building the skill of social competence so that you can become socially confident. The more confident you feel, the more natural you will sound in conversations.

I tend to go blank in conversations. Will this book help me never run out of things to say?

Yes, I cover how to never run out of things to say in chapter 10.

I don’t have a lot of social opportunities. Can I still get results from this?

Yes, and keep in mind you need social opportunities to improve quickly. Chapter 6 will help you with this.

How much time do I need to commit each week to see results?

Between two to five hours per week. I’ll tell you the same thing I tell my private coaching clients: most of the time commitment is already baked into your everyday life. It's the meetings you attend at work, the meetups or events you participate in socially, and the interactions with your family and friends. If you find yourself with few opportunities to socialize, you may need to adjust your schedule a bit more.

Can I just hire you to help me with all this one-on-one to make sure I do it right?

Yes! Visit www.becomemorecompelling.com/coaching to learn more about working with me.

We’ve talked about what the problem this book solves is, what my solution looks like, why it works for other people, and even how you know if it’ll work for you.

But what happens if you do nothing?

What if you just put this book down and go back to doing what you’ve always done?

What if nothing changes?

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but things will not get better on their own.

• Conversations won’t suddenly get easier.

• Friends won’t make themselves.

• Promotions won’t magically appear.

Travel into the future with me.

Imagine, it’s ten years from today.

You’re still working the same job, dreading the same meetings. What friendships you had have dwindled as people move away or just get busy with work, family, and new opportunities.

You notice that your life starts to shrink. You hardly ever shake up your routine.

If you have a significant other, you find yourself relying more on them and their social circle, and you hope you’re not being a burden.

And, worse yet, you’ve got ten more years of not getting the results you want, reinforcing the feeling that "Maybe it just isn’t going to happen for me.”

But it doesn’t have to be this way. You can just do things. You can just change things.

Right now, in your hands is your chance to change the trajectory of your life.

Before reading on, ask yourself a question.

"Is this something I’ve decided MUST happen?"

Deciding is a whole different thing than wanting.

• When you want something, your commitment level is low. Wanting is like daydreaming. It’s fantasizing about having a different life without taking action.

• When you decide to do something, your commitment level is high. You’ll crawl through broken glass. You’ll move heaven and earth to get it.

What happened with that girl I sat next to in college? Nothing. I wanted to talk to her, but I hadn’t decided to talk to her. Big difference.

So, if you’re done wanting social confidence, and you’ve decided that you’ll stop at nothing to build it, then turn the page, and you’ll learn about the first crucial skill you must develop before you Confidence-Maxx.